Diary of the Firefly

I remembered my reaction to hearing of Utakata's fate. The mental image of his lifeless body would plague my nightmares. I had let him see every inch of me. He had never turned me away sincerely. He'd always tried to hide his sensitive side, the side the world had broken. One day, he was willing to open up to me. It was a one-off, but the best evening of my life.

That was a while ago. Here I stand now, mourning him, afraid to speak to those still around me. It wasn't just that Utakata-sama was gone. It was more. We'd been very close together at times. Impossibly close. That was where my problems sprung from, I guess. We were no strangers to one another's bodies.

And that there was the exact problem. I'd been sick. Well, not just sick, but more...well, simply put, I think I might be pregnant. Actually, I know I'm pregnant. I can't tell Tonbei. He would kill me.

Young, unmarried and up the duff. I'd probably never get married at this rate anyway. Not laden down with a bastard child with no father. Utakata wasn't coming back, and yet inside of me sat his seed. The result of a reckless night he had been so ashamed of, he hadn't been able to face me until my life had been threatened.

Our last adventure.

I loved him, I really did. Now I'd never get to see him again. Now I would have this child, and he'd never even meet this child. I have no clue what I'm going to do, for the record. I want to keep it, but I don't have a job or any way of supporting it exactly. I'd have to get support from the others around me, I guess. Easier said than done.

Maybe I should find a new teacher and continue training so I can travel and defend myself, all sorts, or find a new home. I don't like staying around here any more. It just doesn't feel the same now all has been and done. I'm not learning anything or getting any stronger. I might as well move on to greener pastures.

~*~*~*~*~

Dear Diary,

Is that what I'm calling this now? A diary?

I've never kept one of these before, but I feel I should now detail the chronicles of my life from at least this point onwards. I just wanted to say that perhaps training wasn't the best idea while pregnant. Things have already slowed down on that regard. I've learnt one or two new ninjutsu, but Uncle said I shouldn't strain myself too much, something about over exertion causing miscarriage. I've announced it now. I've even got a little bump forming.

Maybe when the baby is born, I'll let it read this. It's an account of his or her beginning. I think I'm already almost at 20 weeks. If you're reading this, my child, it's actually quite amazing. I can feel you moving. It feels really weird, and if I'm honest it sometimes makes me feel nauseous.

I can't stop crying at nights. Most of the time I have no idea why I'm crying. Maybe it just helps me sleep better if I tire myself out with the tears. I feel so pathetic when I do it but I can't stop until I finally pass out. Maybe I'm reacting to all the past events.

I got woken up by you fluttering, my child. I'm not sure what you're doing in there, but you seem to be very active. Like a little dancer. I wonder if you'll be a girl or a boy...

If you're a boy, I want you to look just like your father. The same golden eyes and chestnut brown hair, and the kind of face that any girl would want.

If you're a girl, I promise to buy you the prettiest dresses I can find. In blues and scarlets and browns and greens and all sorts.

~*~*~*~*~

Dear Diary

I'm getting huge now.

Well, not huge, but, you know.

I'm not writing in this as much as I'd liked but I've been so busy trying to get everything ready for the baby.  Clothes and bedding and bottles and everything. I've had to think of names as well. Like...Daijini. I like that one. Awadachi is another favourite of mine. Oh, and Ai and Aoi, and Ryouta is my favourite. Or I might just name a boy after his father or great grandfather, or one of the ninja who tried to protect us.

I'm getting so stressed. Everything is centred around getting everything ready for the baby, keeping myself safe and healthy. I have to watch my diet and get plenty of rest and water and not exert myself too much, but at the same time I'm sort of alone most of the time, getting all the toys and the stuff for the (flatpack!) cradle and painting, although I will admit I'm using borrowed money. Uncle is kind to me. I'm sure when you're born, he will be kind to you too.

I haven't bought any dresses yet, don't worry, I'm not going to chance that when I don't know if you'll be male or female, after all.

~*~*~*~*~

Dear Diary

I am exhausted.

It's been 11 weeks since my last entry. Ages, I know, and I am so sorry.  First I lost the stupid journal, then I almost went into premature labour and had to be monitored at the hospital for over a week and now I've finally freaking found this book.

Baby is still inside my belly. Thank god. If it was born this early, it would be seriously ill and might have even died and I have not carried this thing in me for this long just for it to die before I can get to know him or her!

Sorry for the smudge, the whole thing has me feeling so emotional. And now every twinge I get in my belly, every kick you give, my child, sends me into a panic that you're coming again. It's really taking its toll and I wish you'd just be patient. Plus the backache and the pains in my chest are so not helping. You're pushing against my lungs and I keep getting aches in all my bones, so now I can't sleep. This had better be worth it.

I might name you Apricot. I've been craving them something awful lately. All the way through it's been nothing but apricot and rice with various strange toppings.

I really hope you're a boy. I don't know why, I just...do...

The thing is, I'm getting just as excited and impatient as you a

~*~*~*~*~

Hey. Me again. There's a scribble on the previous page, I know. I'm sorry.

I've just been through hours of bloody labour. I decided to write this while you slept, my son. He was just what I'd hoped, I guess. He had such familiar features. Nose and mouth from my side of the family, I was sure of it..I am sure of it., w

He has his father's brown hair and I can't wait to see his eyes. By law of genetics he should have Utakata's golden eyes, I think. My eye colour is rare even around these parts, and darker colours are stronger, right?

Utakata's golden eyes and chestnut hair.

He's beautiful, my beautiful baby boy. I...I love him, I really, really love him. I feel like this entire thing's amazing. I just...I don't know what to think of it.

Only I'm reminded of Utakata whenever I see my son.

I promise, I really promise to give you the best in life I can possibly give.

((A/N: I haven't officially named this child yet. Currently the options are Utakata (after his father), En no Gyouja (after his great grandfather), Naruto (self-explanatory), Aoi (blue), Shanpan (bubbly), Anzu (Apricot), Daijini (cherished), Awadachi (bubbling) and Ryouta (cool, clear, refreshing water)...heh...))