September 19th
Life is weird. You struggle through mountains of pure bullshit and pain with the hope there'll be some reward later on, but either you get more bullshit and pain or the reward isn't good enough. You don't appreciate it or it's taken away, and you end up beyond sick of it.
Physically and emotionally.
The amount of times all this shit has landed me in hospital or under tight lock and key supervision is beyond ridiculous. It's always been the same, ever since I was little. I always just ran into the wrong thing in the wrong way and let it all go to hell. Every five seconds around me, something new goes wrong.
I spent my first week living with my sister staying in the guest bedroom in the Nara compound, not moving from my bed until I was absolutely desperate for a piss and barely eating. Temari would come into the room every so often to leave some food and try and talk to me, or check up on me and tell me off for not touching the food she'd brought. Occasionally, I'd catch my nephew watching through a crack in the door with pity in his eyes.
The week after, I left that room. When Shikamaru came home, I was relaxing in the living room, and he seemed shocked to see me there. He stared at me for a moment, and eventually I broke the silence and greeted him.
Tanto's message in my journal was choppy and somewhat confusing. After he'd fled the Hidden Stone, he met with his girlfriend outside the village, I gathered that much. This girlfriend, Tsuki I think she's called, was a member of Rio's Akatsuki, who planned to resurrect the previous team to use that title. She convinced Tanto to join her. I'd been standing outside the Nara compound with my nephew and Tokageroh, talking. Just talking. I think Shikadai felt I was...delicate. He may have even been told that. He was clearly being very careful about what he said. A pair of chunin passed, escorting two injured ninja who had apparently begged for medical attention.
Tsuki had been slashed across the torso, and both had been battered by falling rocks. Tanto told me he'd failed to use Dust Release, misfiring and effectively destroying one of the Akatsuki bases. Before his death, his great grandfather, Ohnoki, had tried to teach him to control Dust Release. He was way too old though, and Tanto was way too young to sit there and listen to all the ins and outs of a kekkei tota when he barely understood even the simplest pieces on chakra nature. With no-one left to teach him, Tanto remained a novice.
Tokageroh and Shikadai came with me to the hospital, because we were all sure we had seen Tanto-chan. I'd found my eldest student after he had been stabbed in the back and dumped in a river, and it turns out the same attacker had tried to kill Tsuki for the same reason. Apparently a cliche 'knew too much' thing. Tanto barely spoke to me, too bothered with his need to protect this Akatsuki. They needed saving or protecting because this Rio bitch was using them or something stupid like that. Even so, he noticed me, recognised me...stared at me for the longest time. I think he may have been afraid to speak to me. Possibly due to the marks on my body. The mark on my neck had faded from angry red to dull bruises of pale purple and browny-yellow, but it was still there, and my arms were still so covered in scars I was beginning to doubt there was a single bit of clear skin.
When Tanto left to help these children, I sat beside the injured Tsuki.
"So...you're Tanto's girlfriend?"
She gave a slight, almost shy nod. I feel she may have been afraid of me. I'd seen her before and reprimanded a few people talking shit because she was, um, blue. After what happened with Gaara, I got a bit angry with people talking shit because of something a kid like that couldn't help.
"I don't know your name, he never spoke about you. Tokageroh-san told me he'd gone to see you, jaan."
She nodded again. "You're...his father?"
I nodded now.
"He often says you're a very kind man," she began, offering a weak smile. She still seemed to be in pain. "He really loves and respects you...your family sounds...very loving. My uncle pretends I don't exist. I think he's got issues."
I shrugged. For one thing, I had no idea who her uncle was. "Family is always important, but sometimes things go wrong and the result is...trauma." I mused. "If it helps, for as long as you and Tanto are together, you're as good as family."
"The Akatsuki have always been my family."
I offered my hand to the girl, my message clear. She could have a new family now, if she wanted. Tsuki had blue skin, sharp teeth and dark eyes, with slash-like marks on her cheeks and shoulders, kind of like gills maybe. Her hair was to her shoulders on the left side and black, but cut short on the right and dyed magenta. This girl was supposedly a child of previous Akatsuki members, and yeah, I could see it. It was obvious she had a distinct family history, but as I said before...she couldn't help it. It wouldn't be fair to hate her for what happened when I was her age.
Slowly, she took my hand, giving it a comforting squeeze, which I returned.
"You're looked after." I assured her. "You'll always have someone looking out for you, I promise."
Tanto had promised he would return from his battle. Shikadai had gone with him, and they had requested assistance from the Hidden Sand. Gaara's daughter, Kirameki, would join them, I was sure of it.
Tsuki turned to me, giving me the biggest grin I'd ever seen. I almost felt like she might swallow me whole like a shark.
The resemblance was uncanny.
A short while later, a doctor came in to talk, and, not wanting to be alone, she wouldn't let me leave her side. The doctor told her she was pregnant and at first she paled, then went such a shade of red I thought was impossible for a girl of her complexion. My first thought was 'he is underaged'. Unfortunately, he was above the age of consent at 15 years of age, so I couldn't really say he was too young to actually...but...
I am way too young to be a grandfather. I didn't even want to be a father, damn it! When the hell did this happen? All this time I've been terrified over his wellbeing and happiness and all these horrible thoughts have been running around my head, and the fact is, I can't grasp the half of it. This light-hearted entry recapping my son's message to me is...is simply the fact that I can't grasp the horrible things I've been thinking and feeling. At that point, my relief, fear, worry and depression whirled round and round until they evolved into a deep set anger at pretty much everything. I don't remember what I said to Tsuki after that, but eventually I found myself in the halls, trying to breathe. I think I was hyperventilating. It was so confusing. I remember punching the wall and breaking a finger in the midst of this little temper tantrum. Last time I'd had such a tantrum, I'd ended up hanging by my neck. This time I just passed out and when I woke up, Tsuki of all people was at my side.
She told me that while I'd been out, Tanto had returned, alongside the remaining Akatsuki. They had killed this Rio chick, apparently. I approached him and he stared at me with firm form.
"Otou-san, I-"
He was cut off by a hand striking his cheek, his head snapping to the left. His expression was one of shock and dismay, tears already forming in his eyes. I vaguely registered that the one that slapped him was me, but I only guessed that from the sensation in my - for some reason raised - hand.
"What in hell's name is wrong with you?!" I practically shrieked at him. Every word out of my mouth made my heart sink lower still. I felt like I had no control as I spat venom when I should have been welcoming him with a forgiving embrace. "I was worried sick, and you...you run off without even trying to explain yourself! Do you realise how guilty that made you look? You made me think you were a murderer! All the while you run of with a gang of missing-nin and every single day I sit chewing my nails and wringing my hands just waiting for the news that my son, the one with absolutely no training, has been hunted down and killed by the anbu sent out after him! I tried to stop them, but you killed our Tsuchikage and ran! Not like I'd have loved to have killed Sukochi's uncle myself, but he's the Tsuchikage! And so soon after your sister...!" I paused, choking up at the thought of Kichona. Tanto turned to look at me fully, hand resting gently on his sore cheek. I realised quickly he wasn't looking at my face, but my neck. "You...you...! And now I hear my 15-year-old son...Tsuki! Tsuki's fucking pregnant! God, while you were on the run you could at least have kept it in your fucking pants, couldn't you?! Tanto, I just can't fathom-!" I choked again upon feeling his hand on my neck, fingers running over the bruises, just as Gaara's had done before.
"Tou-chan...please tell me you didn't..." His voice was shaking. In shock, I just stared straight ahead. I didn't want him to see this or talk about this. "Not again...why do you do this whenever things go wrong?" He didn't raise his voice. That was the worst of it. He didn't sound angry, just sad...horrified...and disappointed. So disappointed in me. So ashamed.
So ashamed.
I only realised I'd started to cry when he pulled me into a hug. He was pretty short compared to me still, and my hands were in his hair, my own tears falling amongst those locks. He cried too.
"I remember what you did when kaa-san died, eight years ago. You passed out when I got to the bathroom door. Aunt Temari tried to shield me from seeing, tried to get me to...to get the doctor...she was panicking, and so was I. You were on the floor, not responding to anything, there was blood everywhere..."
"Shh...please...don't..." I was begging him not to talk about it.
"After the doctor treated you, I wasn't allowed to see you. Usotsuki-san said Kichona-chan and I needed to be seen by a doctor too. It was over a week before I saw you again, and you were bedridden. You promised never to hurt yourself again, but it wasn't long after Aunt Temari left that you broke that promise. Shortly after Shi-sama said you were unfit for duty."
"Tanto...shut up..."
"You promised...but you broke that promise! You keep breaking that promise!" He pulled away then, fixing me with a tearful glare. "How can you keep breaking that promise? You reprimand me like this when at least I keep my promises, but you carry on the same every time! Was there ever even a single time your arm wasn't bleeding? Was there ever a time you were fucking stable? I knew you'd do something like this again but I couldn't prepare myself ever for when! Why can't you just stop?! If you can't stop, then stop making promises you can't keep! You're unfit! An unfit shinobi, an unfit sensei and an unfit fath-!"
I hit him again. I didn't want to hear it. I was blocking it all out like a spoiled brat plugging his ears when being scolded. "Shut up shut up shut up!" I screamed. "You don't understand anything! Nothing in this world will ever go as planned, Tanto, you just have to accept that!"
He just shook his head, wiping the tears from his eyes. I couldn't work out what he was saying. It all just came out in strange squeaking. I stood there with him a moment before walking off. I had many parting words in my head, but I didn't say anything. My throat was too tight. I felt if I opened my mouth all that would escape would be sobs and wails.
Later, Tanto went into my bag and found this journal. He blamed himself for my current fucked up mental state and that's pretty much my own fault.
November 28th
Sukochi is dead.
Temari and Shikamaru accompanied me back to the Hidden Stone. I wished to pick up anything of Tanto's and Tokageroh's left behind, and maybe even pick up some baby items for use with my grandchildren. I still can't quite grasp that I have grandchildren on the way. We also stopped off to pay our respects at Tsuchi-chan and Kichona-chan's grave. As we did that, Shikadai wandered about. Apparently he's deeply unnerved by grave sites. He found Sukochi while wandering, and I guess he must have blamed the little thief for a lot of this family's shortcomings.
Shi-sama and his nephew both died at the hands of children of my family. I was friends with Sukochi's mother, but I think now she'll likely hate me. Just like many others in Iwagakure.
I wonder if Tanto is aware of all the nasty looks and whispers I get here? It's no secret that I'm unstable, unfortunately. I've never felt welcome in Iwa, just very alone.
Always alone.
While I was away, my friend Hiro's youngest brother was named the 6th Tsuchikage. When we arrived at the grave site, Hiro himself was digging into one of the graves and pulling out a coffin.
"What the hell is he doing?" Temari asked in a hushed voice. Of all the graves in the yard, he was pulling out and preparing to transport that of my seven-year-old daughter.
"Hey!" It was Shikamaru who called out. I'd sort of resigned myself to silence after the journey here. I'd tried to apologise to Tanto. He'd called me psycho. Well, he said he forgave me for being a psycho, but it still hurt like hell.
Hiro turned and went a little red, as though he were a schoolboy caught in the presence of a pretty girl. "Kankurou-dono...Temari-san, Tanto-chan...hi..."
"Hi?" My brother-in-law repeated, keeping his voice even. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Hunh?" He looked back to the coffin as though just remembering it was there. "Yu-tsuchikage-sama's orders. Concerning the girl found in Sunagakure."
"What girl?" I asked before I could stop myself. Hiro gave me an almost pitying look.
"Kazekage-sama found her...did he not tell you?"
He continued to give him blank looks.
"Oh, well, um, if it's an oversight on Yuudai-chan's part, please excuse him. He's only 19, and he's only been in office for a few days now. A girl was found in the Sand. Surrounded by deceased men of some strange organisation, or near deceased. They'd been killed with the Lava Release kekkei genkai, everyone's sure of it. She said her name was Kamizuru Kichona...and basic tests performed by the Sand confirmed her claims, so we've been asked to confirm this body is in fact that of Kichona-chan...DNA tests weren't performed on the body within before burial and...um...we're living in hope that the fourth's daughter might still be alive..."
A grip of iron began constricting my arm, and I was just as tense. If there was any hope whatsoever, this would be an absolute godsend. My precious, precious baby girl...
"We need to talk to Gaara." I managed. Sunagakure was roughly a week's journey away, but I was desperate to figure this out.
Especially when the body found buried was confirmed to be a girl from a clan we'd encountered long, long ago.
November 30th
Background. Okay, it's kind of needed.
A long while back, this guy named Asatsuyu came to the village. He came from this weird clan that steals chakra and seduces victims and changes hair and eye colours and a few other physical features. Asatsuyu came to the Sand to find powerful chakra, and mistakenly picked up on that of Gaara and linked it to Matsuri. He tried to seduce her and everyone thought Gaara was just jealous. I still think that's all it was, it was just pure luck that the guy actually was evil. Anyway, long story short, shape changer got his butt kicked and Matsuri became my sister-in-law.
I'm getting ready to set off for the Sand now. It's been confirmed that this girl in Kichona's place was in fact a member of that clan. Possibly even a descendant of Asatsuyu himself. Good. He was a dick and my daughter is still alive.
I think.
I hope.
December 13th
Through the journey I barely slept and barely ate. I was warned the whole way that if I didn't take it easy I'd end up collapsing. Guess what happened first thing I stepped foot in Suna?
I am so fucking pathetic. Tanto made sure to remind me of that fact. When I awoke from my momentary faint, Gaara had joined our side and Temari was already reprimanding him for not telling us such important news. True to Temari's rage, something I had seen many times before ('of all the things I needed to know, crippling debt and being half a year behind on rent was pretty fucking high, Kankuro'), Gaara could barely get a word in edgewise. I didn't pay attention to the words. I was hanging onto my son's hand so tight his fingers were turning purple. He was returning the favour. We were both anxious, and my chest and throat were so tight I could barely breathe.
"...Kankurou...Kankurou!"
"Yeah?" I snapped to attention, realising my ototo had been addressing me.
"...Did you hear anything I just said?"
"Um..."
"It's in regards to Kichona. She certainly appears to be...herself, if subdued after what she has experienced. She's been clinging to Matsuri all week..." There was a ghost of a smile there. My kids had always preferred Aunt Matsuri to Uncle Gaara (however there was no-one Kichona loved more than her Aunt Temari). "Her right eye is missing. We've done our best for other injuries, and so otherwise she doesn't look too bad but for a few bandaged wounds. Her hair has been cut. It was badly singed."
I nodded, and before I could stop myself, I spoke in a sad voice. "She'll be eight now. She missed her birthday." She had 'died' in April. Her birthday is in May, like mine.
"Maybe you could let her play with Karasu as a gift." I think my ototo just teased me, but all I got was a sinking feeling of guilt as I realised I'd destroyed that puppet months back.
When we entered the room, Kichona squealed and ran to me. She went to hug me at the waist, but I pulled her into the air and held her close. Just as Gaara had said, she had bandages on her hands, knees, right eye and over the bridge of her nose.
"Tou-chan!" She cried. She too was crying. I just held her in silence. I couldn't say anything. My throat was tight and I was crying. Uncontrollable tears and sobs. Words can't explain such a sensation. It felt like every organ in my body had frozen or been crushed, and all I wanted was to stand there, hugging my precious baby girl for an eternity.
"Tou-chan, you're squeezing too tight..."
It was weird to hear her speaking so normally. She was just about managing to say 'chan' instead of 'tan', but it was still far more normal and adult than before.
After a moment, I managed to find my voice. "I'm...I'm sorry...I love you..." It came out incredibly strangled.
"I love you too. It was so scary...they said they wanted my blood!" She was crying almost as heavily as I was, face buried into my shoulder. "My...tou-chan?"
"What? What is it?"
"What's a bloodline limit?"
They wanted her for either the lava release or magnet release. I'd seen her use both without her realising it.
It was then that I realised I'd given up my chance of living a quiet life long before I'd thought of it. My children hold strong bloodline limits, and someone was starting to come after them. I'm too weak to protect my family and I know it. I found my eyes drifting to those behind me. Temari and Shikamaru, my son, able to rally others to his side and take on experienced killers, my nephew, able to take on and kill experienced killers alone, my brother, the Kazekage, and his family...but I didn't want to rely on them. I wanted to be strong.
Well, my Kichona had the same idea. She wanted to train. We took her to the flat in Iwa so she could gather her things, and she found the remains of Karasu. She managed to convince Tanto to fix them. Meanwhile, with fear in every fibre of my being, I've gone back to teaching self defense and assault skills to the children who need my tutoring.
Shosan, I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I hate to admit it, but I've got my family back, and they're in serious danger right now. They're being stalked by a dark shadow and this time I have no idea what I'm up against. This time I might lose them for real, and I'm still too weak.
Please, someone, protect them. I don't care what happens to me or you or anyone other than my family. I just want them safe. I promise this time I won't do anything wrong ever again. I'll keep the promise this time. I promise. I swear it on my mother's grave, I'll be good as long as they're protected.
I promise! So please!
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