Morning Dew

When I was dumped outside the orphanage, I was able to walk. I had been found in a basket, in the rain, with blood staining my clothes and bedding. The clan I was born into was one feared in the Land of the Moon for its consumption abilities. A veritable army had killed them, but one man couldn't bring himself to kill a 14-month-old, just slaughtered his parents in front of him.

I grew up around other children, some like me who had never met their parents if their memories served them well. When I was five, a childless couple came and told me to my face I was too ugly and creepy looking to be loved. But that didn't screw me up in the slightest, just made me refuse to look like myself for a very long time.

I was born with white curls and red eyes, you see, but my clan can alter how we look. It might be a form of genjutsu. I don't know how it works, nobody ever taught me, I just felt out the ropes for myself. Turning my hair and eyes blue weirded out some of the other kids though.

I entered and passed the academy at a young age, but mostly taught myself these things. After graduation, I was placed in a three man cell with a sadist with two-tone hair and a short ogre of a man. They hated me and once or twice even threw me right into danger. They long-since decided the best course of action with me would be to throw me to the lions to save their own worthless hides. I don't know if either of them are still alive or not. They were the ones who helped me discover my chakra and life force consumption abilities though. As I said, threw me to the enemy. For a laugh, they said with shaky voices afterwards. It had been in self-defense and I had remained horrified and traumatised for the rest of forever. I'd fought three over-pumped muscleheads from the Hidden Sand and turned them into skeletal masses. Yeesh, and they thought their village had demons. No wonder my clan was murdered.

After that, which had been my chunin exams, I ran from Getsugakure, afraid of the person I was. Also I shaved the right side of my head and decided 'hey, that looks cool, I'll keep doing that and pierce my ears until there's no more room for holes'. The douchebag punk look. Hey, I was, like, twelve.

Then I traveled the world, looking for somewhere I could belong. I didn't find it then, I just found lots of girls I could seduce with a little bit of change to looks and approach. I tried not to kill those I took chakra from, and as a plus even obtained ability to use their chakra nature. I once fought someone who could use a mix of ice, water and boil releases. I'd have liked to have taken his chakra.

I kept this up until I hit 18, 19, somewhere around that point. That was when I set foot in Sunagakure. I'd become reliant on the rush of power that came with consuming someone's chakra and life. It had reached the point where I either had to consume powerful chakra or a lot of it to get the rush I craved. I was addicted. It was a morphine and adrenaline all in one, crushing down the circumstances of the past and giving me the rush I needed to surge forth. And I'd been drawn in by the powerful chakra I sensed on my way through the desert.

Only one problem. It belonged to a man.

Controlled absorption, the kind not initiated in a life or death struggle, I'd only learnt to activate through physically reaching inside my target and pulling vital forces out. I usually did so with my tongue, otherwise they might figure something is very suspicious. Even so, for that to work, I had to get way closer. In other words, the reason I turned to seduction tactics was because I could only retrieve the chakra through a French kiss of all the stupid and pathetic things. At least it was always fun to play with these girls.

So I went for the next best thing, a girl whose body had traces of the man's chakra signature. The object of the Kazekage's affections. Hey, really the guy should be thanking me for targeting the girl. If I hadn't, he wouldn't have accepted his feelings, whereas when he confronted me after a month of being teased about being jealous of me, I was able to trick him into confessing.

Heck, I was practically cupid, and they're married now with, what, four kids? See? I helped him by trying to steal that girl's chakra. He didn't have to squish my leg beyond repair.

Oh, and I learnt why people fear the 5th Kazekage that day. He got my left leg in a lock with his sand and crushed it, but let me live. Maybe that was his thanks for helping him tell the girl he liked her, even if I did try and kill her. I managed to stagger to the border between Wind and Fire before collapsing.

When I awoke, I was in a little holiday house with some adult genin of Kumo. Some giant medical nin in a heavy black coat, all muscle and greasy hair, Shai. Great guy, didn't like me much. A dark-skinned hyper kid I barely saw, Seicho. The most gorgeous woman I'd ever seen, Murasakiiro.

They saw me as I looked naturally, which was embarrassing, but they didn't seem to understand why I wanted to change so much.

Murasakiiro even said I was gorgeous as I was. A girl I never had to use chakra on to get her to like me. It was really weird, but then that's why we ended up married. Funny. I never actually thought I'd settle down somewhere. I thought I'd spend my entire life wandering around, being a menace to every society in the world. I liked it that way, actually, but I happily went with this gorgeous girl to Kumo where everything was weird. Actually, Kumogakure was a gorgeous land. If I had to settle somewhere, I'm glad it was there. Still, I hated the idea of settling there.

It was a Monday morning when she made a worrying announcement. I was bored. I'd been bored for a week now as things were being sorted out concerning my checkered past. Then she came bursting into the bedroom, all hot and bothered like she'd just run a marathon.
"Asatsuyu!"
I turned and gave her an indifferent look. "Did something happen? Whatever it was, looks exciting."
"Oh, it's exciting! You'll never believe it!" She ended that sentence with a girlish squeal. I raised an eyebrow, somewhat disgusted by this behaviour.
"Two for one at the higashi place?"
She gave me a blank look before laughing. "You're so silly."
"...Did you get higashi?"
"No, Asatsuyu. I got something more...important."
"Nothing's more important than higashi!" I insisted in a scandalised tone.
"Shut up and listen for a moment."
I obediently shut my trap and gestured for her to continue. She went a little red, embarrassed and shy concerning what was about to happen. What she was about to tell me would be a bombshell that would change my entire life and get me into a whole heap of endless trouble. My ever-continued descent into hell.
"We...I'm...Oh, Asatsuyu! We're going to have a baby!"

I just want it known that pregnant women are terrifying, even if you are a whole ninja rank above them. They demand and whine and scream and run on pure hormonal get it away from me. I used to even hide in the closet for some peace and quiet. Plus side, I discovered a secret room at the back of the closet that led down to the bathroom. That room is important for later.

So I went through seven and a half months of my beloved wife turning into the devil himself, then she went into early labour and went to the midwife without me (I was slowed down by my bad leg, which still had not healed fully. Something about too many bone fragments and now some of them are likely lodged in muscles or nerves or tendons or something stupid like that), and eventually I witnessed the birth of my daughter.

I am not afraid to admit I was horrified to see she had white hair and red eyes like me. Not only am I sure those are both recessive genes, but that likely meant she had my clan abilities. That in turn meant I'd have to teach her to use them and not kill people by accidentally stealing their chakra. I hate responsibility and I've had precious little first-hand contact with little kids. In the orphanage I was mostly kept around kids in my own age range for safety reasons. I was 90% sure I was going to be terrible at this. Still, at least I had the child's mother to work alongside.

Not.

It was, I don't know, three, maybe four months after that that Murasakiiro died.

I awoke in the middle of the night to a strange sound. Strange yet familiar. Like someone hammering into a hunk of meat with a cleaver, accompanied by pained gurgles and grunts. Those of a woman. A woman being murdered and just clinging onto life. A cold ice seized my heart, and barely able to breathe for fear of what I was about to see, I crept out of bed, confirming as I did so that my wife was absent but my daughter still in her cradle. I got to the living room and saw two or three men hacking into her. Her throat, face, stomach, limbs, every single square inch oozing or gushing blood. One eye had already been gouged out. She noticed me with the other, I think. It looked hazy and unseeing. She tried to say something with her last ounce of energy, but the blood in her mouth and throat caused it to come out as an urgent gurgle. I think the essential message was for me to run and take our baby somewhere safe.

Except nowhere would ever really be safe. It turns out these were the same people who slaughtered the rest of my clan, and my exploits around the world had drawn their attention to me. I hated to think how long they'd been tracking me. Panicking, I grabbed the baby roughly from her cradle as the men shouted. They too had noticed me and were now giving chase. I kept thinking this isn't happening, this can't be happening!...But it was. It was happening and it was all too real. I locked myself into the closet, biting my tongue hard to keep from sobbing. Not that it would make any difference. They'd seen me go in there and the baby was now screaming her lungs out. Though I'd killed before, I'd never gotten used to seeing dead bodies, and bloody ones freaked me out. I'd have nightmares for years.

Slowly, I backed my way into the secret room, ensuring I shut the door behind me properly so it was virtually undetectable. The men were trying to break down the first door, and if I wanted to live, I had to keep us both quiet. I desperately tried to shush her, begged her to be silent as the sound of splintering wood and furious screams terrified the both of us. I was crying myself now, the fear that this was my grisly end becoming all too real. I was going to die, I was sure of it, and it was a horrfying and painful thought. They'd torture us both as they did to Murasakiiro, whose only crime was loving me. I...I'd always known I was no good. Creepy, ugly, dangerous monster.

They broke through the first door and I backed away to the ladder leading down to the bathroom closet. I couldn't climb it while carrying an infant, and if I jumped down my right leg was liable to snap. I crouched down and covered my mouth and nose with one hand. My daughter had managed to quiet herself to a whimper, perhaps tired. I heard the men arguing about where I might have gone, heard them searching for a seam, jostling to all fit in the closet, one hitting the hidden door in frustration. I was having to suppress my absorption abilities. If I lost control, I'd kill the baby as well.

Footsteps receded. I was beginning to think I'd gotten away with it, I'd given them the slip, but then someone charged the hidden door, slamming it open. I shrieked and, panicking, tried to charge past him. His colleagues had gone to look elsewhere, it seemed. I shoulder-barged my way past, only the man had already started swinging his weapon - a morning star I think - and it slammed down on my head. I was a head and shoulders shorter than the man, so I guess it wasn't a difficult target. The world pitched sideways and I hit the floor, mind quickly hazing over. Cursing, I tried to get my limbs to move, lift me back up. Every breath I took was accompanied by another swing, another scream of pain. I doubled over, protecting my baby's body with my own at all cost.

Finally, my mind connected to my body and my leg swung out and up, catching the attacker's knee against the doorframe. There was a satisfying crunch and he screamed. This gave me an opening to scramble to my feet (easier said than done, as every movement sent shoots of pure agony through my entire upper body, and every breath made the room pulse in and out of focus) and escape. I paused to grab the morning star and reluctantly bring it down on the man's head. It was self defense, I told myself with a shudder as I staggered to the stairs, only to see shadows moving below. A wave of nausea and dizziness almost brought me to my knees again. Panicking, I went to the living room as quick as I could. The area below that window would have a canopy to catch me and nearby ledges to escape through. I leaped over my wife's body, smashed the window with my foot (getting glass in there in the process, oops) and escaped out, speeding to the edge of the village, out as far as I could until I reached a thin woodland. Here, my legs gave out and I dropped like a sack of potatoes. I had the sense to place my baby girl out of the way before emptying my guts on the grassy floor and succumbing to the dark circles at the edge of my vision that had been threatening to pull me into the sweet embrace of a poor man's sleep.

I must have been out for hours. When I awoke, it was a late afternoon and my daughter was crying. Likely hungry, thirsty or in need of changing. Just sitting up straight was painful enough to almost knock me out again, and my mouth felt dry as cardboard. A few things were clear to me even in my addled state. I needed a doctor and I needed to find a village, and soon. Once more, I forced myself to my feet, making a slow, lurching journey to who knows where.

From that moment on, we were hunted left, right and centre. I was constantly running yet again, only this time with a baby on my back. I raised her with no home, no money and no hope, but still managed to get her to seven years old. I did my best to teach her about the world, but couldn't tell her why we were always moving, why she never had any friends, why she had to comfort her own father after his ever present night terrors...

She was a beautiful girl though. Her hair curled as mine once did, and when she was three I gifted her a ribbon I'd found so she could accessorise. It became a precious thing to us both in time.

When we met Eien-sama, she was about five. He was about 11 years my junior, but had never been so brutally injured as I had. He saved our lives when our hunters located us one day, and offered a home in return for us serving him. A safe place with food and water and warm bedding. With a sad child hanging on my arm, a girl who wanted nothing more than that, I couldn't refuse. I pledged my allegiance to this kid in return for the safety and happiness of my precious daughter. I went on infiltration and espionage missions for him, and then one day, two years later, he needed someone with my clan's abilities to be a body double.

A body double for a seven year old girl from the Hidden Stone. I refused  at first, not wanting my precious baby anywhere near danger, but then he threatened to throw us both out...

And insisted she would come to no harm.

Her role would be that of the young, sweet, innocent daughter of the 4th Tsuchikage. A little girl with a dead leg like mine, dark brown ringlet curls and dark eyes. We worked to turn her into the perfect body double before some kid, Touwata or something stupid, took her in the dead of night to make the switch and kidnap the little girl from Iwa. She looked so proud of herself as she left.

A week later, Touwata returned with the struggling little girl of the 4th. Eien-sama started running experiments on her, something about a powerful bloodline limit running in her family. It sounded painful, and I did my best not to hear.

Some time later, I heard the daughter of the 4th had been assassinated. Except it wasn't the 4th's daughter, it was mine. Once again, that grip of ice returned, that inability to breathe for all the emotions filling my chest and crushing my lungs. I never saw her body, but that was just as well. Just hearing the news crushed me, shattered my heart into a million pieces.

With all of them gone, everyone who ever cared, there was no longer a reason to live, apart from maybe revenge. That night, I'd grabbed a sword, I believe it belonged to one of Eien-sama's other underlings. I crept to his room and made my attempt on his life, desperate and angry. I didn't even think to use my clan abilities, I just slashed out wildly. The death of my wife had broken me already, and the death of my daughter pushed me far over the edges of sanity.

This man...this kid had some strange powers himself. He had great speed and strength, and was capable of strengthening his skin to an almost iron material. He could detach limbs and control tendrils of what appeared to be thick, wiry hair. I couldn't defeat him. I was weak.

He pinned my hands to the wall and before I knew it, he was holding a sort of spear. He drove it through my belly and through the wall, pinning me there with a wave of agony. Instantly, I felt chakra surge through. Whatever the hell this spear was, it was keeping me alive, but in pain. At least my body would eventually get used to it. In the meantime, I was coughing up blood, choking on the mashing of my own internal organs. Eien-sama laughed cheerfully.
"Hurts, doesn't it? This is what you get for double-crossing me."
"You...krghled......hurr..." It was so hard to speak.
"Pardon?"
"My...drr...ter..."
"Ah, I see. You're mad at me because your worthless waste of a life child got herself killed on a mission."
I lashed out weakly with one arm. Though I hit, I caused no damage. He laughed again.
"Don't like me saying things like that?" He kicked my knee hard, but I barely registered it over the increasing pain in my gut. Why was it getting worse?! I vomited, the pain overriding every instinct in my mind as I started to scream and cry, empty my bladder and bowels and writhe around, trying to get free. Such attempts only jogged the bar, tearing my flesh. "What we have here is a weapon formed from research into the kekkei genkai of the Kinzokuhaku clan." He explained. My brain vaguely pulled a file, recognising the name as that of Shai, Murasakiiro's former team mate. "It won't hurt forever, just as long as I'm angry. It's linked to my emotions. Anger means pain for those who betray us. Your child died a pointless and pathetic death in her sleep at the hands of a man who sensed something amiss. She deserved what she got, and you deserve what you get. I'll send someone round to care for you and sustain you, though the most you'll be able to eat is a teaspoon of mush."
"P-please..." I managed, trying to beg for my life. He walked off and left me. I wouldn't get a decent conversation for another year, when two experiments escape and free me.

A worthless, pained failure. I spent every waking moment in there wishing I could just die and join my family. My clan was extinct, I had no purpose other than to be this twisted young man's plaything. A decoration. Worse than being hunted. I became one of his experiments.

My name was Asatsuyu. It meant 'morning dew'. I started full of hope and love and excitement for the life that awaited me, and I stand here now, weak and worthless. Yearning for my past and youth to return so I could undo the many mistakes I made. Wish I could hold my beautiful baby girl one last time before I died...

I still hold that ribbon I gave her in my bony hand, held forever in an iron grip, as something unbearably precious to me.

Diary of a Dead Man 4

September 19th

Life is weird. You struggle through mountains of pure bullshit and pain with the hope there'll be some reward later on, but either you get more bullshit and pain or the reward isn't good enough. You don't appreciate it or it's taken away, and you end up beyond sick of it.

Physically and emotionally.

The amount of times all this shit has landed me in hospital or under tight lock and key supervision is beyond ridiculous. It's always been the same, ever since I was little. I always just ran into the wrong thing in the wrong way and let it all go to hell. Every five seconds around me, something new goes wrong.

I spent my first week living with my sister staying in the guest bedroom in the Nara compound, not moving from my bed until I was absolutely desperate for a piss and barely eating. Temari would come into the room every so often to leave some food and try and talk to me, or check up on me and tell me off for not touching the food she'd brought. Occasionally, I'd catch my nephew watching through a crack in the door with pity in his eyes.

The week after, I left that room. When Shikamaru came home, I was relaxing in the living room, and he seemed shocked to see me there. He stared at me for a moment, and eventually I broke the silence and greeted him.

Tanto's message in my journal was choppy and somewhat confusing. After he'd fled the Hidden Stone, he met with his girlfriend outside the village, I gathered that much. This girlfriend, Tsuki I think she's called, was a member of Rio's Akatsuki, who planned to resurrect the previous team to use that title. She convinced Tanto to join her. I'd been standing outside the Nara compound with my nephew and Tokageroh, talking. Just talking. I think Shikadai felt I was...delicate. He may have even been told that. He was clearly being very careful about what he said. A pair of chunin passed, escorting two injured ninja who had apparently begged for medical attention.

Tsuki had been slashed across the torso, and both had been battered by falling rocks. Tanto told me he'd failed to use Dust Release, misfiring and effectively destroying one of the Akatsuki bases. Before his death, his great grandfather, Ohnoki, had tried to teach him to control Dust Release. He was way too old though, and Tanto was way too young to sit there and listen to all the ins and outs of a kekkei tota when he barely understood even the simplest pieces on chakra nature. With no-one left to teach him, Tanto remained a novice.

Tokageroh and Shikadai came with me to the hospital, because we were all sure we had seen Tanto-chan. I'd found my eldest student after he had been stabbed in the back and dumped in a river, and it turns out the same attacker had tried to kill Tsuki for the same reason. Apparently a cliche 'knew too much' thing. Tanto barely spoke to me, too bothered with his need to protect this Akatsuki. They needed saving or protecting because this Rio bitch was using them or something stupid like that. Even so, he noticed me, recognised me...stared at me for the longest time. I think he may have been afraid to speak to me. Possibly due to the marks on my body. The mark on my neck had faded from angry red to dull bruises of pale purple and browny-yellow, but it was still there, and my arms were still so covered in scars I was beginning to doubt there was a single bit of clear skin.

When Tanto left to help these children, I sat beside the injured Tsuki.
"So...you're Tanto's girlfriend?"
She gave a slight, almost shy nod. I feel she may have been afraid of me. I'd seen her before and reprimanded a few people talking shit because she was, um, blue. After what happened with Gaara, I got a bit angry with people talking shit because of something a kid like that couldn't help.
"I don't know your name, he never spoke about you. Tokageroh-san told me he'd gone to see you, jaan."
She nodded again. "You're...his father?"
I nodded now.
"He often says you're a very kind man," she began, offering a weak smile. She still seemed to be in pain. "He really loves and respects you...your family sounds...very loving. My uncle pretends I don't exist. I think he's got issues."
I shrugged. For one thing, I had no idea who her uncle was. "Family is always important, but sometimes things go wrong and the result is...trauma." I mused. "If it helps, for as long as you and Tanto are together, you're as good as family."
"The Akatsuki have always been my family."
I offered my hand to the girl, my message clear. She could have a new family now, if she wanted. Tsuki had blue skin, sharp teeth and dark eyes, with slash-like marks on her cheeks and shoulders, kind of like gills maybe. Her hair was to her shoulders on the left side and black, but cut short on the right and dyed magenta. This girl was supposedly a child of previous Akatsuki members, and yeah, I could see it. It was obvious she had a distinct family history, but as I said before...she couldn't help it. It wouldn't be fair to hate her for what happened when I was her age.
Slowly, she took my hand, giving it a comforting squeeze, which I returned.
"You're looked after." I assured her. "You'll always have someone looking out for you, I promise."
Tanto had promised he would return from his battle. Shikadai had gone with him, and they had requested assistance from the Hidden Sand. Gaara's daughter, Kirameki, would join them, I was sure of it.

Tsuki turned to me, giving me the biggest grin I'd ever seen. I almost felt like she might swallow me whole like a shark.

The resemblance was uncanny.

A short while later, a doctor came in to talk, and, not wanting to be alone, she wouldn't let me leave her side. The doctor told her she was pregnant and at first she paled, then went such a shade of red I thought was impossible for a girl of her complexion. My first thought was 'he is underaged'. Unfortunately, he was above the age of consent at 15 years of age, so I couldn't really say he was too young to actually...but...

I am way too young to be a grandfather. I didn't even want to be a father, damn it! When the hell did this happen? All this time I've been terrified over his wellbeing and happiness and all these horrible thoughts have been running around my head, and the fact is, I can't grasp the half of it. This light-hearted entry recapping my son's message to me is...is simply the fact that I can't grasp the horrible things I've been thinking and feeling. At that point, my relief, fear, worry and depression whirled round and round until they evolved into a deep set anger at pretty much everything. I don't remember what I said to Tsuki after that, but eventually I found myself in the halls, trying to breathe. I think I was hyperventilating. It was so confusing. I remember punching the wall and breaking a finger in the midst of this little temper tantrum. Last time I'd had such a tantrum, I'd ended up hanging by my neck. This time I just passed out and when I woke up, Tsuki of all people was at my side.

She told me that while I'd been out, Tanto had returned, alongside the remaining Akatsuki. They had killed this Rio chick, apparently. I approached him and he stared at me with firm form.
"Otou-san, I-"
He was cut off by a hand striking his cheek, his head snapping to the left. His expression was one of shock and dismay, tears already forming in his eyes. I vaguely registered that the one that slapped him was me, but I only guessed that from the sensation in my - for some reason raised - hand.
"What in hell's name is wrong with you?!" I practically shrieked at him. Every word out of my mouth made my heart sink lower still. I felt like I had no control as I spat venom when I should have been welcoming him with a forgiving embrace. "I was worried sick, and you...you run off without even trying to explain yourself! Do you realise how guilty that made you look? You made me think you were a murderer! All the while you run of with a gang of missing-nin and every single day I sit chewing my nails and wringing my hands just waiting for the news that my son, the one with absolutely no training, has been hunted down and killed by the anbu sent out after him! I tried to stop them, but you killed our Tsuchikage and ran! Not like I'd have loved to have killed Sukochi's uncle myself, but he's the Tsuchikage! And so soon after your sister...!" I paused, choking up at the thought of Kichona. Tanto turned to look at me fully, hand resting gently on his sore cheek. I realised quickly he wasn't looking at my face, but my neck. "You...you...! And now I hear my 15-year-old son...Tsuki! Tsuki's fucking pregnant! God, while you were on the run you could at least have kept it in your fucking pants, couldn't you?! Tanto, I just can't fathom-!" I choked again upon feeling his hand on my neck, fingers running over the bruises, just as Gaara's had done before.
"Tou-chan...please tell me you didn't..." His voice was shaking. In shock, I just stared straight ahead. I didn't want him to see this or talk about this. "Not again...why do you do this whenever things go wrong?" He didn't raise his voice. That was the worst of it. He didn't sound angry, just sad...horrified...and disappointed. So disappointed in me. So ashamed.

So ashamed.

I only realised I'd started to cry when he pulled me into a hug. He was pretty short compared to me still, and my hands were in his hair, my own tears falling amongst those locks. He cried too.
"I remember what you did when kaa-san died, eight years ago. You passed out when I got to the bathroom door. Aunt Temari tried to shield me from seeing, tried to get me to...to get the doctor...she was panicking, and so was I. You were on the floor, not responding to anything, there was blood everywhere..."
"Shh...please...don't..." I was begging him not to talk about it.
"After the doctor treated you, I wasn't allowed to see you. Usotsuki-san said Kichona-chan and I needed to be seen by a doctor too. It was over a week before I saw you again, and you were bedridden. You promised never to hurt yourself again, but it wasn't long after Aunt Temari left that you broke that promise. Shortly after Shi-sama said you were unfit for duty."
"Tanto...shut up..."
"You promised...but you broke that promise! You keep breaking that promise!" He pulled away then, fixing me with a tearful glare. "How can you keep breaking that promise? You reprimand me like this when at least I keep my promises, but you carry on the same every time! Was there ever even a single time your arm wasn't bleeding? Was there ever a time you were fucking stable? I knew you'd do something like this again but I couldn't prepare myself ever for when! Why can't you just stop?! If you can't stop, then stop making promises you can't keep! You're unfit! An unfit shinobi, an unfit sensei and an unfit fath-!"

I hit him again. I didn't want to hear it. I was blocking it all out like a spoiled brat plugging his ears when being scolded. "Shut up shut up shut up!" I screamed. "You don't understand anything! Nothing in this world will ever go as planned, Tanto, you just have to accept that!"
He just shook his head, wiping the tears from his eyes. I couldn't work out what he was saying. It all just came out in strange squeaking. I stood there with him a moment before walking off. I had many parting words in my head, but I didn't say anything. My throat was too tight. I felt if I opened my mouth all that would escape would be sobs and wails.

Later, Tanto went into my bag and found this journal. He blamed himself for my current fucked up mental state and that's pretty much my own fault.

November 28th

Sukochi is dead.

Temari and Shikamaru accompanied me back to the Hidden Stone. I wished to pick up anything of Tanto's and Tokageroh's left behind, and maybe even pick up some baby items for use with my grandchildren. I still can't quite grasp that I have grandchildren on the way. We also stopped off to pay our respects at Tsuchi-chan and Kichona-chan's grave. As we did that, Shikadai wandered about. Apparently he's deeply unnerved by grave sites. He found Sukochi while wandering, and I guess he must have blamed the little thief for a lot of this family's shortcomings.

Shi-sama and his nephew both died at the hands of children of my family. I was friends with Sukochi's mother, but I think now she'll likely hate me. Just like many others in Iwagakure.

I wonder if Tanto is aware of all the nasty looks and whispers I get here? It's no secret that I'm unstable, unfortunately. I've never felt welcome in Iwa, just very alone.

Always alone.

While I was away, my friend Hiro's youngest brother was named the 6th Tsuchikage. When we arrived at the grave site, Hiro himself was digging into one of the graves and pulling out a coffin.
"What the hell is he doing?" Temari asked in a hushed voice. Of all the graves in the yard, he was pulling out and preparing to transport that of my seven-year-old daughter.
"Hey!" It was Shikamaru who called out. I'd sort of resigned myself to silence after the journey here. I'd tried to apologise to Tanto. He'd called me psycho. Well, he said he forgave me for being a psycho, but it still hurt like hell.
Hiro turned and went a little red, as though he were a schoolboy caught in the presence of a pretty girl. "Kankurou-dono...Temari-san, Tanto-chan...hi..."
"Hi?" My brother-in-law repeated, keeping his voice even. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Hunh?" He looked back to the coffin as though just remembering it was there. "Yu-tsuchikage-sama's orders. Concerning the girl found in Sunagakure."
"What girl?" I asked before I could stop myself. Hiro gave me an almost pitying look.
"Kazekage-sama found her...did he not tell you?"
He continued to give him blank looks.
"Oh, well, um, if it's an oversight on Yuudai-chan's part, please excuse him. He's only 19, and he's only been in office for a few days now. A girl was found in the Sand. Surrounded by deceased men of some strange organisation, or near deceased. They'd been killed with the Lava Release kekkei genkai, everyone's sure of it. She said her name was Kamizuru Kichona...and basic tests performed by the Sand confirmed her claims, so we've been asked to confirm this body is in fact that of Kichona-chan...DNA tests weren't performed on the body within before burial and...um...we're living in hope that the fourth's daughter might still be alive..."
A grip of iron began constricting my arm, and I was just as tense. If there was any hope whatsoever, this would be an absolute godsend. My precious, precious baby girl...
"We need to talk to Gaara." I managed. Sunagakure was roughly a week's journey away, but I was desperate to figure this out.

Especially when the body found buried was confirmed to be a girl from a clan we'd encountered long, long ago.

November 30th

Background. Okay, it's kind of needed.

A long while back, this guy named Asatsuyu came to the village. He came from this weird clan that steals chakra and seduces victims and changes hair and eye colours and a few other physical features. Asatsuyu came to the Sand to find powerful chakra, and mistakenly picked up on that of Gaara and linked it to Matsuri. He tried to seduce her and everyone thought Gaara was just jealous. I still think that's all it was, it was just pure luck that the guy actually was evil. Anyway, long story short, shape changer got his butt kicked and Matsuri became my sister-in-law.

I'm getting ready to set off for the Sand now. It's been confirmed that this girl in Kichona's place was in fact a member of that clan. Possibly even a descendant of Asatsuyu himself. Good. He was a dick and my daughter is still alive.

I think.

I hope.

December 13th

Through the journey I barely slept and barely ate. I was warned the whole way that if I didn't take it easy I'd end up collapsing. Guess what happened first thing I stepped foot in Suna?

I am so fucking pathetic. Tanto made sure to remind me of that fact. When I awoke from my momentary faint, Gaara had joined our side and Temari was already reprimanding him for not telling us such important news. True to Temari's rage, something I had seen many times before ('of all the things I needed to know, crippling debt and being half a year behind on rent was pretty fucking high, Kankuro'), Gaara could barely get a word in edgewise. I didn't pay attention to the words. I was hanging onto my son's hand so tight his fingers were turning purple. He was returning the favour. We were both anxious, and my chest and throat were so tight I could barely breathe.
"...Kankurou...Kankurou!"
"Yeah?" I snapped to attention, realising my ototo had been addressing me.
"...Did you hear anything I just said?"
"Um..."
"It's in regards to Kichona. She certainly appears to be...herself, if subdued after what she has experienced. She's been clinging to Matsuri all week..." There was a ghost of a smile there. My kids had always preferred Aunt Matsuri to Uncle Gaara (however there was no-one Kichona loved more than her Aunt Temari). "Her right eye is missing. We've done our best for other injuries, and so otherwise she doesn't look too bad but for a few bandaged wounds. Her hair has been cut. It was badly singed."
I nodded, and before I could stop myself, I spoke in a sad voice. "She'll be eight now. She missed her birthday." She had 'died' in April. Her birthday is in May, like mine.
"Maybe you could let her play with Karasu as a gift." I think my ototo just teased me, but all I got was a sinking feeling of guilt as I realised I'd destroyed that puppet months back.

When we entered the room, Kichona squealed and ran to me. She went to hug me at the waist, but I pulled her into the air and held her close. Just as Gaara had said, she had bandages on her hands, knees, right eye and over the bridge of her nose.
"Tou-chan!" She cried. She too was crying. I just held her in silence. I couldn't say anything. My throat was tight and I was crying. Uncontrollable tears and sobs. Words can't explain such a sensation. It felt like every organ in my body had frozen or been crushed, and all I wanted was to stand there, hugging my precious baby girl for an eternity.
"Tou-chan, you're squeezing too tight..."
It was weird to hear her speaking so normally. She was just about managing to say 'chan' instead of 'tan', but it was still far more normal and adult than before.
After a moment, I managed to find my voice. "I'm...I'm sorry...I love you..." It came out incredibly strangled.
"I love you too. It was so scary...they said they wanted my blood!" She was crying almost as heavily as I was, face buried into my shoulder. "My...tou-chan?"
"What? What is it?"
"What's a bloodline limit?"
They wanted her for either the lava release or magnet release. I'd seen her use both without her realising it.

It was then that I realised I'd given up my chance of living a quiet life long before I'd thought of it. My children hold strong bloodline limits, and someone was starting to come after them. I'm too weak to protect my family and I know it. I found my eyes drifting to those behind me. Temari and Shikamaru, my son, able to rally others to his side and take on experienced killers, my nephew, able to take on and kill experienced killers alone, my brother, the Kazekage, and his family...but I didn't want to rely on them. I wanted to be strong.

Well, my Kichona had the same idea. She wanted to train. We took her to the flat in Iwa so she could gather her things, and she found the remains of Karasu. She managed to convince Tanto to fix them. Meanwhile, with fear in every fibre of my being, I've gone back to teaching self defense and assault skills to the children who need my tutoring.

Shosan, I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I hate to admit it, but I've got my family back, and they're in serious danger right now. They're being stalked by a dark shadow and this time I have no idea what I'm up against. This time I might lose them for real, and I'm still too weak.

Please, someone, protect them. I don't care what happens to me or you or anyone other than my family. I just want them safe. I promise this time I won't do anything wrong ever again. I'll keep the promise this time. I promise. I swear it on my mother's grave, I'll be good as long as they're protected.

I promise! So please!

Untitled KanKuro/Sandsibs Story

Politics were annoying things, the siblings decided on the eldest child's wedding day. What should have been the happiest day of her life was made far more stressful than usual by politics that had no place in the wedding of a village leader's sister and the adviser of another village leader. It stressed the bride out, which in turn stressed her brothers beyond breaking point. Nobody wanted their wedding ruled by what was best for a village they would no longer live in, after all. But there it was, the dreadful truth that the councils of the hidden villages were damn near obsessed with muscling in on the lives of their most prominent villagers and people who by all rights should have been in charge.

Basically, the council and their insistence in being part of the weddings of the Kazekage and his elder sister pretty much ruined everything, thus it was with a heavy heart and with much discussing with his fiancee that Kankurou made the decision that his own wedding should be kept as small and secret as possible.

Kurotsuchi had no objection. She had no wish to turn her wedding into a peace treaty between the Stone and Sand, especially since she wanted to be wed at least before she took on the mantle of Tsuchikage. It was important to her to marry before certain factors made it more difficult. Before she gained too much weight to wear that peach kimono she had deemed absolutely perfect, before it became harder for her and her fiance to travel to see one another, before hostilities between her father and her fiance got even worse and before Kankurou could have any second thoughts. So, over the past few weeks leading up to a meeting between the Kazekage and Tsuchikage, they had made their plans. It was a quick thing, tragically, but the entire thing was essentially rather urgent.

The journey between Suna and Iwa was roughly a week long. Both sides had informed a small party of their plans, and those who knew had willingly sworn secrecy. The warm day was punctuated by a biting wind, sand stinging the eyes of Suna's delegation. That morning, Kankurou found himself unceremoniously bundled into a palanquin while no-one was looking, to be joined shortly by his younger brother. The journey seemed slow and arduous, and for the longest time he sat in silence, barely acknowledging his brother's presence, not for the sake of snubbing or for need to be rude, but more due to nerves. When in a good mood, Kankurou was the kind that could talk your ears off until the cows came home, provided there was enough to talk about (and believe you me, there was plenty he had to say there and then), and even in a bad mood he could talk. Quiet, submissive behaviour was deeply unbecoming of him, and while it concerned Gaara, the younger brother was able to recognise a need for quiet reflection and thought, and so left him until he was ready to talk.

After a few hours, however, he was somewhat certain his elder brother had fallen asleep. Finally, he was unable to stand the silence much longer and gave the puppeteer a sharp prod in the side. He awoke with a jolt and stared ahead for a moment, trying to get ahold of where he was in his head.
"Gaara?" He asked, glancing to the other man in confusion.
"I'm sorry if I woke you."
"No, no, it's fine." He stretched out and offered a smile. "What's up?"
Was that an inquiry as to how Gaara was feeling? It was Kankurou who was starting to feel stress and strain over what was to come, so surely it should have been the other way around.
"We'll be leaving the desert soon, and then we'll have something to eat. How are you feeling?"
"Fine." He answered simply before turning his attention to the window. The curtains were drawn, so he couldn't see a thing, but something about those light purple drapes seemed to be absolutely fascinating.
"I told Matsuri. It's a shame we couldn't have others present."
"Yeah, though your screaming kid and my beloved nephew aren't my idea of paradise."
"Nothing's perfect, but family is family."
"Yeah..." Kankurou found his thoughts flitting from one worry right on to another. Weddings, family, Sunagakure...

He didn't want to leave the people he cared for most, but at the same time he was weighted with responsibilities and the fact that he was moving along the path of adult life like an average person did. This was how life went, wasn't it? Grow up, get an education, get a god damned job, meet a nice girl, get married, have a few babies, watch them grow up, get an education...it wasn't really what he wanted. He'd wanted a different life, but then he'd also wanted to be trained by Chiyo and to have been the perfect big brother to a vaguely normal younger brother, but that didn't happen either. And hell, he'd been the one to initiate this. When he'd gone to meet his nephew, Temari had teased him about something along those lines, seeing as his relationship with Kurotsuchi had likely been the longest he'd ever undergone. And it still would be. She'd probably tease him even more when their first born arrived. He'd distinctly said he planned to never ever have children after Shikadai had vomited on his best shirt. Still, a little teasing from his siblings was something he generally viewed as a good thing. The more normal they became, the more he could bond with them, and the more he could bond with them, the more he treasured his time with his family. Not that he'd ever stopped treasuring such time. Even when moments grew awkward in that small palanquin half-stuffed with his own belongings, ready for transfer to his new life, he was happy to spend his time with his precious younger brother.

The days passed in similar ways to each other. It was dark when Gaara found himself finally able to pick into his brother's more troubled mindset. It started with a simple comment.
"Next time we stop for food, perhaps you should cook." He mused, glancing to Kankurou, whose attentions were still focused on the curtains. Even so, the older man gave a snort of laughter.
"Who in hell's name told Yaoki he could cook? He makes the simplest things taste like pure crap."
"I don't think we should say this when he's around."
"Well, he's got to know somehow." He shrugged, smiling to himself as Gaara continued.
"You realise once this is done you'll be forced to make the best dishes you can every night."
"Oh yeah. She'll come home and complain she's sore and tired and," for the next part, he put on a falsetto voice, clearly a mockery of his fiancee. "Being Tsuchikage is so hard to adapt to, so much work to do." The men allowed themselves a chuckle before he continued. "And I'll go along with it like a loyal slave."
"It won't be that bad."
"You say that because you can't do household work."
Gaara's shoulders twitched in what may have been a shrug.
"Is this...?" Kankurou began before shaking his head, looking back to the curtain and resting his arm against the window sill.
There was a long silence before the Kazekage addressed his brother. "You're having cold feet."
"It's not that, it's just...I don't want to move away, but she's got a duty to her entire village now. I'm going to be at least a week away from pretty much everyone I know now, and that's just going to suck. Plus you and I both know my father-in-law isn't all that fond of me and...everything's going to change so completely, huh?" During this time, he began to wring his hands with nervous vigor, some of the joints cracking audibly.
Another dismissive shoulder twitch was the immediate response as Gaara took in his brother's expressions and the tension keeping him upright. "It isn't like we'll never see one another again." He pointed out, trying to think of the best way to waylay his brother's...concerns. "There's only one person left to talk this over with and that's you. Temari spoke to Kurotsuchi on the matter. We've both been aware that we'll be far apart for a very long time, but even if small visits are impossible, special occasions call for a family to be together. The 19th of January, 15th of May and 23rd of August are just some of these. And beyond that, if a person is worth being with, a journey would be worth taking. Clearly, this person is worth this journey. You're willing to go this far for this woman, which tells me she is worth the effort in your eyes, and if roles were reversed she would do the same for you. You're not sure what you want from life or what you're seeking, but like everyone else, you're seeking happiness. If anything, this venture will bring you happiness. I do not believe you are making a mistake."
Kankurou stared at his younger brother evenly for a moment before smirking. "I thought Temari hated 'Tsuchi."
"She's just protective of her little brother."
"She should know I don't need her looking after me."
"You appreciate it though."
"More than she'll ever be allowed to know." He joked. He rested his hands on his knees, notably calmer. Still, the tension in his joints remained painfully obvious.
"What else is troubling you?" Gaara asked, reaching uncertainly to place a hand on Kankurou's shoulder.
"Nothing." Came the dull and somewhat embarrassed response. The younger brother's eyes never left the elder, aware it wasn't true. "Look, it's just something stupid, it's not even worth worrying about."
"You seem rather concerned about it."
"I just started thinking about...the future."
"I don't understand." Gaara admitted rather quickly. The puppeteer somewhat suspected he'd barely given it any thought. He was also sure he didn't want to expand. Gaara would ask where the sudden thought about kids had come from (as that was what he was thinking of) and he really didn't want to talk about his pregnant soon-to-be-wife. Nor did he want his little brother to so much as think that was the reason he was marrying her. After a moment trapped within these thoughts, he realised he was wringing his hands again, but made no effort to stop. The fact was, he hated little kids and as far as he could see, his prospects as a decent father were low. Plus, if Kurotsuchi had to run Iwagakure, he was somewhat aware he'd end up being labeled primary caregiver and if that were to be the case the kid would be as good as fucked.
Suddenly, the Kazekage addressed him again. "When you say future, you mean what comes after marriage?" He asked, awaiting his brother's slight and tense nod before continuing. "Children?" Another nod. Kankurou heaved a sigh, trapping his hands between his legs to stop the anxious movement. "You don't have to have children if you don't want them."
"It's inevitable."
"How so?"
"She's already pregnant."
A long silence.
"I was planning to marry her-"
"Months beforehand, I know. I've seen you making your plans. Vastly different to the advice you gave me."
"Of course. I don't want our lives to be identical. Besides, Tsuchi doesn't go for the same romantic goop Matsuri likes."
"True. But you like Shikadai and Kirameki, because they are family."
"Yeah, I know. Attachment isn't the problem. Family's...it means a lot to me, but...kids aren't my thing, I'm awful with them. How in hell's name am I supposed to be a father?"
"If you ask me, I'd say you have the perfect traits for a good parent. Protective, but not suffocating, stern but not cruel, and though you try and hide it, you have a deeply caring personality. From where I'm sat, there's no real issue other than your confidence in yourself. You're afraid that you'll not know what you're doing, but that's what antenatal classes are for."
"What classes?"
"Matsuri insisted we attend them. They'll help you know what you need to know."
"That's your answer? I'm perfect, I just need to take classes?"
"As I said, the only issue I can see is your confidence. You were very good with your nephew and niece when you met them, apart from when Shikadai threw up on you. Kirameki lights up whenever she sees you. You leave a good impression on them. Even if you don't like children, they like you." He paused a moment before the brothers' eyes met. "Are you convinced yet?"
He shrugged and watched Gaara stifle a yawn. It was probably past midnight. "Thanks, ototo..."
"Don't worry about it...fair warning though, women like to do their best to break your fingers when in labour."

The brothers were still asleep when they finally found themselves in Iwagakure. Yaoki awoke them at 10, and Gaara went to leave with a brief warning to Kankurou to get ready for the wedding ceremony, as Yaoki would be back to check the coast was clear and point him in the right direction. Indeed, it wasn't long before the newly appointed bodyguard and adviser was able to sneak away under the pretense of having left some things at the palanquin, where he did as told and escorted the Kazekage's brother to a small building on the outskirts of the village so he could finally be wed. He would have to think up a good explanation for how long he was taking before he got back.

The meeting was dull, focusing on the current relationship between the two villages and recent discrepancies that had occurred without the leaders' notice. It took place in a stuffy room, and Gaara found himself subtly stealing glances at the clock in the corner. At first the issue was simply that he had a wedding to get to, having been named as a witness to his brother's wedding. He was pretty sure the other witness was to be the large man that normally served as the Tsuchikage's bodyguard. True to that, Akatsuchi was missing from the meeting room. After long enough in that room, however, the young Kazekage simply couldn't wait to get some fresh air, so when the time ticked on far enough he decided to call a lunch break and briefly flit off to the wedding to sign what he needed to sign. That Ohnoki saw him leaving through a window was a minor oversight that he could explain easily enough. It would be harder to explain suddenly having to sign his brother over as an addition to the Iwa forces before he left.

"You're late." Kankurou told him as he hurried into the small building, apologising softly. Even so, the elder brother had a grin on his face.
"I don't have long. I'm not sure you do either. Kurotsuchi's father is coming this way, apparently looking for Akatsuchi."
"And he knows he's here?"
"At 'a dear friend's' wedding."
"I've already signed." Akatsuchi mused, gesturing to the door. "I could go and-"
Kurotsuchi latched onto his arm. "Come on, just stay a little longer, we can have a photo together. He won't come bursting in here. Gaara, you can stay a little longer and I can explain the whole thing to Grandfather, since we swore you to secrecy. It'll be fun!"
He hesitated before giving a slight nod, agreeing to her whim, though not sure why. Perhaps for Kankurou's sake. He seemed pleased to know his brother would remain at least a little longer.

Photos were taken outside the building, in an area that provided a pretty view and somewhere nice for the couple to settle themselves before they were tracked by Kitsuchi and Ohnoki. That was when an otherwise fine day became a little bit more...chaotic.
"What on earth is going on here?"
"I was wondering where you'd gone."
Gaara found himself having to explain himself to a rather irate Tsuchikage, while Kankurou and Kurotsuchi calmly gave their reasons for the secret wedding, although Kankurou admitted he had not expected the father of the bride to be kept in the dark, to which she answered, as though her father were not there, that 'you and I both know he'd react badly when he found out about..." She trailed off and instantly, Kitsuchi began to press for an explanation. Well, they'd already messed up enough that he wouldn't drop it until told.

Ohnoki and Gaara found themselves distracted from their conversation (which had turned more amicable over the passing moments) by a harsh sound as one man's fist connected with another's jaw, almost unbalancing the victim. After righting himself, Kankurou found himself forming his own fists. "You fucker!"
"Tou-san, Kankurou, stop it!" As she called out to them, sand surged forth to separate the fighting men, as did Akatsuchi. Kankurou obediently stepped back, hands moving instead to nurse his cheek, glare never wavering. "Do you have to ruin everything?" Kurotsuchi continued, her own glare leveled on her father. "It's not bad enough that I had to be that careful who I told for political reasons, I had to worry about your temper too! In the end I just thought I couldn't tell anyone because no matter who I told somehow it would be ruined and everything would be used as an excuse to use the entire day for some bullshit."
"That's not-"
"Shut up!"
"Quiet!" Ohnoki was able to make his voice heard above the general caterwaul that was this poorly timed argument. "Like it or not, this is a family."
"We can stay together and talk, or separate until you cool down." Gaara continued. It was annoyingly like being the parents to a group of rowdy children. Even so, the two of them were eventually able to calm the all out war formulating before them, even if it did take a bit of convincing. On the plus side, they spent a good few hours together, just talking, getting to know the way their family was growing. It went from frustrating and hellish to pleasant and calm, but for the swelling bruise on Kankurou's cheek.

The hardest part of the entire event was not stopping any budding fights, calming his elder brother's rage or nursing his ego, but instead saying his goodbye to him. Kankurou turned his forehead protector over in his hands, stood across from his younger brother.
"I have to go soon." Gaara stated dully, bringing the puppeteer's attention to him.
"I don't really want you to go."
"I know, but I have responsibilities to take care of, and so do you."
"Yeah, I know. Growing up sucks big time." To the younger brother's surprise, he stepped forward and pulled him into a tight hug. "See you real soon, okay?"
"As soon as can be arranged."
"Look after the girls and give them my love."
"Your niece will miss you."
"She'll get over it eventually."
Once released, Gaara stepped back and turned his attentions to his new sister-in-law. "Look after him. He's an idiot."
"Hey!"
Kurotsuchi slung an arm around her husband's shoulders, a grin on her face. Kankurou gave the both of them the same disgruntled look. "Don't worry, I know all too well what I'm getting into with this whining terror."
"I'm trusting you."
"I know, I know, he's my problem now."
Kankurou muttered under his breath, something about hating both of them, only for Kurotsuchi to laugh and plant a kiss on his cheek. She then reached forward to take Gaara's hand firmly. "It's been a pleasure to have you here, it really has."
"It's been equally pleasant for me." He assured her.
"Thanks for, well,"
"It's always good to build and grow our family." Reluctantly, he stepped away, offering a slight wave which was eagerly returned by both ninja stood before him. He chose not to glance back at their side-by-side embrace and small shows of affection coupled with their dwindling waves.

All that was left now was to explain things to the councils.