This is the journal of Kamizuru Kankurou. I'm aware of that, I don't mean to pry, but I'm afraid. While he's angry at me, he probably won't listen.
This is a message to Kamizuru Kankurou that I write in his journal, to ensure he will see it. The same feeble explanation I've given out hundreds of times, I guess. It certainly feels like hundreds.
I guess first I should apologise for stealing your journal, tou-san. I didn't read anything, I promise. I just...I was afraid to read it. I've seen the bruises on your neck and I remembered what you tried to do when kaa-san died, and I didn't want to read about your suicidal tendencies, I know they're there and I don't want to know. I wish I had the power to make things okay again, but I don't. I'm just a kid, and not a very strong one at that. I don't really have any power.
Remember that night? Well, I'm sure you do. Shi-sama...I didn't mean to. I couldn't control myself. It's like I was there, but I was watching myself do everything. It was like I could just...I was....I was a tool, like our puppets. I was being used like a puppet, yeah, that sounds about right. I don't know who was controlling me, but somebody was. I was a puppet on a string. Except more alive, with a heart and soul all my own. It was painful. I wanted to beg for help, for forgiveness, but I couldn't speak. It was a miracle I could so much as cry, you know?
I didn't think anyone would believe me. The moment I had control back, I was already running, and in a panic I kept on running, until I was well beyond the village gates. I was still crying, and I was terrified. I barely understood what had happened until I sat down and got my breath back. I don't know how long I sat there. It just dawned on me what had happened. I had killed Shi-Sama. I had fought against my own father. He'd almost struck my face...good thing I'd been wearing Kaa-san's forehead protector...I think I may have even come close to death that night, several times. It was a truly horrifying thought.
I think it was starting to come morning when Tsuki found me. It certainly seemed lighter. She...well...I'd met Tsuki a long time ago, when I was in Konoha with you, dad. You were there as Mum's bodyguard and I was there as I couldn't be left home with no carers. This was before Kichona-chan was born. Tsuki was watching me and Boruto and Shikadai talking and she came over to say hello and slowly, ever so slowly, over the years as I grew older, we fell in love. I never asked how you and mum met, but thinking about this actually makes me really curious. After all, you grew up in Suna, and miles away she was growing up in Iwa. Was it like how me and Tsuki met?
She invited me to join the Akatsuki after hearing what had happened that night, and with nowhere else to go, I accepted. There I met some familiar faces, Tsuki's old friends. They'd all become this dark organisation because they felt betrayed and alone. I also met Arigeta. She looked so much like Tokageroh, it was obvious they were brother and sister. We never did speak. She didn't trust me and avoided me. If I'd mentioned Tokageroh to her, the uprising might have started even earlier.
Anyway, we'd gone out on a mission to retrieve some stupid herb. I didn't pay attention because I really didn't care. It was what happened when we came back that mattered.
I'd not really interacted with any of the girls other than Tsuki since joining. There was one other boy, but he was shy and tended not to talk to anyone in most cases. I was, without a doubt, the youngest person there. I was the junior. I'm not used to being the youngest of anything, so it sucked.
After the mission, we came back, hoping to rest. It had been long and we were really tired. I would have been happy to just collapse into a bed there and then. I remember we passed a door, and there was light shining through even though everyone else should have been asleep. Peeking in, purely out of curiosity, we saw Rio, one of the senior members of the team. She was stood in front of some weird, off-white goop that seemed to be struggling to form a human shape. A head formed, a face, young and distorted, half hidden by something. I assume hair. I thought it was a woman at first, but in a deep voice, it began letting out the most horrific, blood-curdling scream I'd ever heard! This man Rio was creating from the goop was in pain, begging to be set free. It was...well, it was horrifying. We'd burst in and she'd turned, and the soul trapped in whatever it was burst. The goop fell.
"What the hell was that?" Tsuki yelled, getting stressed. She'd been very emotional as of late. "That was Shizuka's dad! I'm sure of it, but you did something, we recovered things and you've done something! Rio, what was that?"
Rio held her hands up in a gesture to quieten her down. "It's all part of the plan, don't you worry."
"You can't honestly tell me Kiyoko OK'ed this! It looks horrifying!"
"Easy, Tsuki. The bodies of the Akatsuki are nothing more than puppets for my control. They're just tools, for me alone. And dragging the others into this isn't going to change my mind."
"Don't you dare do anything to them!"
I was mostly staying out of it, but when Tsuki took out her phone, to call Kiyoko I assume, Rio shot forward, planning on attacking.
I guess you must have taught me to act quick and on instinct, because I'd never done something like that before. I'd pulled her away, but I'd been a little slow. Chakra strings connected to her and I pulled towards me, but whatever Rio did, it hit. Tsuki was hurt. She was bleeding. She had been unprepared.
I tried to use that strange thing great grandfather tried to teach me once. The thing with the atoms and the white light. I started forming the atomic element, but I panicked. I...I did something. There was dust everywhere, something happened, but I'm sure I failed what I meant to do. I guess the confusion was good anyway. I was able to make my escape with Tsuki, and that's why I managed to make it back to Konoha...where you saw me pass Aunt Temari's house.
I'm sorry I ran off after with Karasu and Kuroari. I couldn't let what had happened stand, and neither could Tokageroh, it seems. But I promised I'd come back and I did. You must understand, especially after learning Tsuki was with child. I know you're mad at me now, but you understand at the same time and I can tell you're glad I'm back. I'm glad that me coming back might be able to help you, because I remember what you did after mum died. I remember and it hurts when I see the bruises on your neck and the scars on your arms and think that I contributed to that. I am so, so sorry. I know you're only mad because you were worried...I'm just so happy to be forgiven and safe, that all of us are safe.
I guess you can think of it this way. I left home to save the Akatsuki, to save them from being criminals, from being used as I was, from being ejected from their home for life and from a possibly horrible fate. Maybe you can be proud of me.
I never wanted to hurt anyone is all. I never wanted to fight. I wanted to be a travelling street performer and make people from all over happy...I'm just no longer sure that's a worthwhile job to go after.
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