Diary of a Dead Man

If you are reading this, turn back now. This is the PRIVATE journal of Kamizuru Kankurou that his S T U P I D therapist insisted he write.

Diary of a Dead Man.

Okay, so the title's a little inaccurate. I'm not dead, not yet. Maybe not on the outside, maybe not physically. But that's irrelevant. The important thing is that I have had many dances with death before. I've been poisoned, stabbed, bled out and now even hung. I'm beginning to think that no matter what, something will happen that keeps me alive. It usually does.

Then again, it's usually my own fault I end up in these stupid situations. I'll charge into reckless situations or let stress get the better of me. Frankly, I think I have a problem, and now that I've been through this, the doctor agrees.

I could say it was the low point of my frankly pathetic life, but how many low points can one man have? Is it normal to have a period every year where you want to kill yourself? I think not. If it were, my sister wouldn't be so upset with me. I wish she'd stop getting angry...

Let me explain a little more. I work as a bodyguard for the village leader, the Tsuchikage. Got a bit of time off to deal with the death of my daughter. She was seven, and murdered in her sleep. Suffice to say it hit me very hard. I'd be concerned for any parent who didn't feel such pain when their youngest died. After that happened, I could tell I was effectively falling to pieces. My son was in a bad state too. I remember one night he came into my room, refusing to go back to bed and begging me not to send him out of my room...I don't think either of us slept that night, just tried to comfort each other, keep one another company.

I was miserable, my son was miserable.

And then it got worse. When doesn't it get worse? The Tsuchikage was attacked. He was the 5th person to hold that title, taking it on after my wife died. It was my job to protect him, despite the obvious fact that, even after I married the 4th and moved here, I was still an outsider. I failed. The man was gored and begged me give chase to the assailant.

And that I forgive my son. 'Don't blame Tanto,' he said, 'forgive him, for everything...' and then I was off, chasing after this hooded man, and after a brief fight, his hood fell and I saw his face. Tanto.

He ran. My son was labelled a missing nin, fled the village and there I was, collapsed on the floor of the Tsuchikage's halls, unable to process what had just happened. Unfortunately this kind of meant I'd lost my son. I'd lost both of my children in such a short space of time. I guess that's what made me feel like such a failure of a parent. I felt useless. I remember when I got home, I stepped into my bedroom and looked at everything. The puppets hanging from the ceiling, the cracked mirror where I'd lost my temper once before and took it out on the closest thing to my father, various knick knacks lining shelves and tables. My temper flared.

In one sweeping motion, my desk, shelves and tables were cleared, everything on the floor. Things broke and I didn't care. I wanted them to break. I wanted everything to fall apart just as I was. No mirror to punch this time, I was throwing everything I could, like a spoilt child throwing a tantrum. I found my eyes meeting the cold, empty, dead gaze of one of my puppets.

I remembered Karasu was my daughter's personal favourite.

Crack! I stamped on its head. I must have been really loopy. I felt like that grimacing son of a bitch was mocking me, but it was a lump of wood! My foot came down again and again and again, and then went through. I reared back with a cry of pain, clutching my foot. I'd hit one of the hidden blades. There wasn't much blood, so it wasn't serious, and I had long since built up an intolerance to all the poisons in my puppets. The anger flared up again and I kicked. Hard.

Karasu's head flew across the room majestically, and then landed in a crumpled heap behind my laundry hamper. I stood stock still, breathing hard, tears streaming down my cheeks...I looked at the mess. Wood, paint, clothes, books, glass, various tools and varying lengths and strengths of rope and wire...

Perhaps I snapped. The ceiling in my room had always had beams running across it and it was easy enough to loop some rope around one. Heck, I had quite a few puppets already hanging from the beams. I needed a chair to reach, but that was no bother. The chair would be needed in a minute anyway. I lined my shoes up neatly in front of the chair, stepped  up onto it and...well...you know how hanging works, I'm sure.

It's  funny, the kind of things  that run through your head when you're about to die. The doubts. The 'Kankurou, are you sure about this? It won't solve anything', the odd  thoughts and bits and pieces you might have forgotten such as 'it's early May, which means...oh my god'. I think it was then I started to struggle, you see. If early May came about, my siblings came to visit, and I didn't want them to find me. All I did was knock the chair over though. I gave up after  a moment and let  myself hang. I passed out as the door buzzer rang out, I think. I certainly heard something as everything slipped away from me.

I heard the story from Tokageroh, a homeless student of mine I'd allowed to sleep  in my guest room. He had let Gaara in and told him I wasn't up yet, so Gaara went to wake me. Next thing Tokageroh heard was a yell, Gaara calling my name, and in a flash of sand I was cut down, hitting the floor hard (which explains the bruises I've found on my side). That was when everyone came rushing to my bedroom door, watching as the rope was cut desperately away from my throat. Apparently the other kids even screamed. Matsuri told Tokageroh to get a doctor and he did. Some time after he got back, Temari arrived, and Gaara let her in.

He'd long since become more in tune with his emotions and those of others. When Temari came in, he started crying before trying to explain how he'd found me. I like to imagine they hugged, comforting each other, because I don't want to imagine them both hurting and in pain. I want my nee-san and ototo to be okay and to support each other. I like to imagine that's just what they did when they found me half-dead.

I woke up some time later in a hospital bed. My neck, arms and hip hurt and I just wanted to fall asleep again, but before that could happen, something large and soft hit me over the head hard! "Kankurou, you stupid, stupid idiot!" Temari snapped. She was stressed and probably quite shocked and unhappy. I cracked open one arm and found her glaring down at me, nobody else in the room that I recognised. Just a medinin or two and some guy with a beard and clipboard. "How many times do I have to tell you to call us? To come to us when you have a problem?"
It's not that simple. I tried to say that but all I managed was some nasty, strangled croak. Then a coughing fit. When I was done, she passed me a glass of water which I gratefully drank. My throat was so sore, anything that might soothe it would do me well. And then Temari was tracing an ugly bruise around my neck. I suppressed any shows of pain and just sighed.
"You live miles upon miles away." I managed eventually. "I can't just turn to you on a whim, you're not right next to me any more."
She had no answer for that, just glared.
"I guess I should thank you for finding me." I conceded. She might feel a bit better if I said that, I reasoned.
"I didn't. Gaara did."
Fuck. Temari had already known I had a few problems when it came to my mental state. I'd tried something like this before and she had come along and saved me, and we'd decided not to tell Gaara lest it stress or upset him. Well, how he knew his nii-san was going crazy. Ah well, couldn't be helped.

I stayed quiet after that, not responding to a word Temari spoke to me, and in the end she gave up, spoke for a moment with the bearded man, and finally left. The man with the beard came and sat beside my bed, staring at his notes for a moment.
"Good afternoon, Kankurou-san."The man began with a calm smile. "My name is Shosan. I'm one of the doctors here and I was wondering how you're doing."
I stayed silent and stared straight ahead. I knew what this guy was here for. He was here to evaluate my mental state. Was that really needed? I'd just tried to commit and they still needed this guy to verify I had something wrong?
"Kankurou-san?" No answer still. "Okay, well, let's open by talking about your romantic life." My hands clenched into fists. Everyone in this stupid village knew I was the husband of the dead Tsuchikage, but it never occurred to me that I could have remarried or started dating. After several questions to which I didn't respond, Shosan offered to talk with me later. He wasn't used to people who refused to talk whatsoever.

After a moment, Temari came back in, followed by Gaara. They sat on either side of my bed.
"Kankurou?" Temari asked, placing a hand on my shoulder. I was sitting up by this point, and I shrugged her off. "Just...just talk to us, okay?"
"What's the point?" I asked softly. That seemed to flare her temper.
"What do you mean, 'what's the point'? Have you even thought about what you'll leave behind?"
I thought it over while I glared at her. "You mean you two? As much as I love you, I'm not going to turn to you so I can burden you with my problems. As it stands, I've been fighting my problems and this life and I've lost."
I think I saw her face soften for a brief moment. "What do you mean?"
"Temari, remember when I was young? I said I'd always wanted to be a big brother. I didn't like kids, but I still ended up with two of them. You know what? Every time I've had the chance to care for a kid, I've loved that child, I've formed that bond. But at the same time, I've always failed. I've let them suffer in some way or sat by and watched them die or let them go down the wrong path, and now I've lost my wife and kids. They're gone, that's that. I tried to have a family, and I lost it." I covered my face, hiding behind my hands. I remember when I was younger, I used to be muscular. Over the years I've lost that muscle, just become...skinny. Weak. I hated the thing my body had become. It had withered away along with my mental health.
Temari had fallen quiet. Her hand returned to my shoulder and she gave a comforting squeeze.
"You haven't failed." Gaara managed. I peered between my fingers at him. "You've done all that any father could do. Nothing could have saved Kichona, and if it wasn't for your actions then, Tanto would have died as well. What you've done so far through all this trouble is amazing, Kankurou. You have to get past it, though. You can't let this beat you."
I wasn't even aware I'd moved until I was stood, nose to nose with my little brother, his shirt bunched in my hands. "I can't beat this either. I can't fight this any more! Don't you understand? I have nothing now! It's over! It was bad enough before any of this bullshit happened! I've been hated by everyone here and they've made it no secret, for being the outsider, for letting her die! I'm just like you were!" I let go then, stumbling back. My knees hit the bed and I fell back onto it. "Oh god...I'm sorry..." It always came down to that. My own desperate reaching out for forgiveness. "I'm...I'm sorry..." I curled up then, laying back on the bed, but arms wrapped around me, pulling me close and cradling me. Gaara was sat on the edge of the bed now, holding my head against his shoulder while I cried, rocking me gently. I'm pretty sure while I'd been yelling at him, all he had seen were the scars on my arms, and as he comforted me, he spoke.
"It's okay, nii-san. I'm here. You've done nothing wrong. It's okay. We're here for you. We'll keep you safe. You'll be okay. Don't worry about it. We're here, nii-san. We'll always be here, nii-san."
Another set of arms joined the embrace, Temari holding me from the other side. "We love you, Kankurou." She assured me softly. I'd fallen asleep against Gaara's chest that night.