Love for a Brother

Things were a downright disaster.

Three months ago, my wife passed away, three days after the birth of our daughter. The rule of threes, working against me. Kurotsuchi was the leader of the village of Iwagakure, where we lived together. She was the worker, I stayed home to look after the kids. I guess it was just how things worked. My son loved having me around, at least. He found me a fun person, enjoying my tricks and games and hugs, but after his baby sister came along, I couldn't spend as much time with him. It was the curse of being a single parent.

All the time I wasn't dealing with Kichona and her urgent needs, I would check in on Tanto to see how he was holding up. His mother may not have been his primary caregiver, but that didn't make it any less painful for him to lose her. I remember I'd just gotten Kichona to sleep, and I hadn't eaten in two days, and I was so tired, but I passed Tanto's room and he was curled up in bed, crying. As exhausted as I was, I guess the parental instinct kicked in...I went off, got a few puppets and put on a bit of a show in his room. I'd do anything to keep my children from tears, even though I'd never really been that fond of them. Children in general, that is, not my own. I love my own. They're my own flesh and blood.

My brother and sister knew things were tough for me. They knew I was struggling to cope with the kids. I mean, they came round on my birthday and I fainted from hunger, so they stayed a little extra time to help out, and they told me to put myself first (because otherwise how could I care for the kids?) and to call them if I ever needed help.

Looking after the children by myself wasn't just a problem because I was swept off my feet, though. My wife had been the one who was earning, and by the time I realised I was running out of money, it was too late. I needed money I didn't have to get a babysitter so I could go out and work. I had to choose to work or watch the kids, but Kichona was only three months old, and for that matter, had been born premature as well. Tanto was too young to help, and I was worried he held animosity towards his baby sister. I could call my siblings, but, well, Gaara had a village to lead, and Temari was over a week away. It just wouldn't be fair, I thought as I lay awake in bed. I was getting weak...too tired, too hungry, too weak to do anything...I felt like everything was becoming a pointless battle. I was fighting destiny. I was destined for this, destined to become a poor wreck, and I couldn't rely on my siblings. I'm from The Sand, for god's sake! We don't need help.

We don't need help.

We don't.

My children are suffering. I can't handle this. I heard Tanto crying last night. I cried too. Kichona was always in tears these days. She was so small, so young, and I couldn't even afford milk formula for her. I'd stopped eating for the sake of ensuring my kids had enough, planning to eat their scraps. That wasn't working. Tanto didn't leave scraps. I hadn't eaten for days yet I still couldn't sleep, no matter how tired I got. It was hard enough physically, but with the kids suffering, my emotional state was nothing but turmoil and agony. I curled up, clamping my hands over my ears, trying to shut out the crying, but it just got louder. I didn't realise what I was hearing was my own desperate wails.

I'm trying my best to stay strong. I am trying, I'm trying to keep things together.
"I know I don't quite have enough." I muttered, voice pleading with the shop keeper. I had my kids with me. We were all pretty hungry now. All we needed was this one batch, this one dinner. "Please, this is the only money I have left. We need this food, you're still getting paid for it, so please let us take it..."
The woman behind the counter shook her head, pulling the basket towards her. "If you can't pay for it, you can't take it from the shop."
"Please, we're starving!" I could feel tears stinging my eyes now, and my fist clenched. I considered hitting her and running, but Tanto tugged at my sleeve.
"Daddy? It's not working, I wanna go home!" He was crying. Reluctantly, I left the shop, my children in tow. Home was empty, lights off. Tanto went running in and opened the fridge, as though he expected something new to be in there instead of just some old spinach that had long gone past inedible. Well, now even that was gone. I'd given into desperation and swallowed the gunk, and thrown it back up a couple of minutes after. My shirt was hanging off my shoulder now, and people were noticing what was happening, I was sure of it. Nobody cared, that was all. After the Fourth Tsuchikage died, someone else took ownership of the big place, and I stayed in the home we'd gotten here when we'd married, only a short time before she'd gotten the title.
"Tanto?" I called, offering Kichona to him. He took the screaming infant uncertainly. "Be a good boy and put your baby sister to bed?"
"But she's still crying."
"Sing to her, it'll help." I assured him. The moment he left, I heaved a sigh, sliding down the wall onto my backside. I gripped my head in my hands and let myself cry. My shoulders shook with heavy sobs, wailing until my throat went raw, and not even noticing Tanto coming back in, even briefly.

I didn't know he'd seen it, and I didn't know he saw me when I got up, threw the knife block on the floor and picked up one of the fallen blades. I just screamed at my reflection in the stainless steel, screaming at myself. Why can't you be more useful? Why can't you actually manage this for once? Why are you such a bad, useless, worthless father? Why would you let your children suffer? Why can't you find your way out of this? Stupid fucking fool! Stupid bastard! Why?! Why did you have to cause pain to anyone you ever met...? Even your own siblings...
I didn't cut myself, not that day, but Tanto mentioned in his letter to Temari that I was hurting myself. He was a clever boy, he didn't miss a thing.

Dear Aunt Temari
I'm writing to ask you to come round soon. Things are scary and I don't like it. Daddy keeps crying and still isn't eating or sleeping. He just stays up all night crying. Also I'm hungry and there hasn't been any food in the house a while. I miss mum and so does dad, and I'm scared. He's been hurting himself and he's stopped looking after baby. I know it will take some time, but come here as soon as you can, and bring money and food please.

My clever boy sent that to his aunt. I didn't know a thing of it. The day she arrived I wrote a note of my own.
Please send Tanto and Kichona to Konoha. Their aunt and uncle will be willing to care for them, and they need love. They need things I can't give.
I was sat in the bathroom, a kunai in my hand, scratching it across my arm harshly. I moved up my arm, making parellel marks. Reached the shoulder, changed arms. I could feel my blood leak down my arms, and it made me shudder, but at the same time it calmed me. It was as though once I died, things would be okay. My children wouldn't have to suffer, and I couldn't worry about burdening my brother and sister, or the Village hidden in the Rock. I could just leave them all be, at peace. Snarling at my own cowardice, I held the knife to my throat. This was what I was driven to? Suicide? When I had two young kids? I'd rather die than sort out my problems. No wonder I sickened myself so much.

I couldn't cut my throat. I was too cowardly even for that, as I imagined myself gagging for breath...alerting Tanto to my suffering...instead, I choked back my sobs and nicked my collarbones, nothing more, before drawing the bloody knife away, gazing at it as a wave of weakness flooded me. I wouldn't remain conscious much longer. All the lost blood...I would pass out soon. There were noises in the house that I could just about make out. Conversation...footsteps...

"Kankurou!" It sounded like the voice was sounding out through water. I felt hands, one pulling my head back, a handful of hair being brutally torn at, the other closing around my wrist, my suicide note in her hand, the paper stinging my wounds. I could feel her trying to bandage the cuts, and her panicked voice at hurrying in to see this of all things. I think she was crying, I could feel something splashing on my face before I passed out into a cold embrace.

When I woke up, I was tucked into bed, arms bandaged, someone stroking my hair absent-mindedly. The house was quiet and smelled of baking. I tuned into the sounds around me, the rustle of the bedclothes as I breathed and shifted, the sounds of life beside me, the odd gurgle from Kichona in the corner, and even the rumble of my empty belly as I inhaled the sweet smell of the bread in the kitchen. I was afraid to open my eyes, afraid to see who had come and 'saved' me. I tuned into her breath now. It was uneven, unsteady. She was crying. Even speaking under her breath. Like she was trying to soothe me, but I could tell she was soothing herself. Telling herself it was okay and there was nothing to be afraid of. Telling herself that I would be okay now she was here, that she would make everything okay again. I dared to crack open one eye, see who was so concerned, even though I was certain I already knew.
"Temari..." I breathed, no idea why she'd come here for me. I sat up, and the moment I was upright, she hit me on the head.
"You idiot! What on earth is wrong with you? You have two little kids and you tried to kill yourself? Do you know how scarring that would be? How hurtful it would be to everyone around you? It wouldn't solve anything, it wouldn't give your kids anything but pain! I told you and told you to call if you needed help, but no! I suddenly get a letter from your seven-year-old boy in the middle of the night! You idiot! Why would you do this to us? To yourself?" She'd been hitting me throughout the speech, and now she just pulled me into a tight embrace. "I don't want to lose my baby brother." Slowly, I hugged her back, letting her bury my head in her chest. I was crying too, but she didn't mind me soaking her shirt, and I didn't mind her crying into my hair.
"I'm sorry." I managed in a strangled sob. "I'm so sorry. I am so, so sorry. I just wanted to be...I just...I'm so sorry!"
"I'm not the one you should apologise to." She muttered. "Tanto..."
"I know." I nuzzled my head against her chest, getting lost in her warmth, letting out little sobs. I just wished my sister would hold me there forever.
"I'm just happy you're okay..." She muttered after a moment. "You're still really stupid, though."
"I know, I'm an idiot...thank you for coming."
"Thank your son for sending for me..." She heaved a sigh before pulling away. "For the record, I'm locking everything away where you won't find it. I can't risk you hurting yourself like that again."
I looked away. "I won't..."
"I'm staying here to make sure of it."
"But what about Shikamaru and Shikadai?"
"They'll be okay with it. I need to help my little brother get back on his feet...mind if we don't tell Gaara? I don't want to stress him out too..."
I have a slight nod. "Okay...We should go see him sometime soon. His new kid is due soon."
She rolled her eyes. "He never stops, I swear to god."
"At least he's happy..."
Temari stood then. "You relax. I'll be back in a moment. It's going to be fine, I promise."
"...Thanks..."