My family worry about me a lot. My sister, Afsheen, says when she sees me I'm either a tonne thinner or fatter than before. My weight acts like a metronome, one way, then the other. She says I look exhausted and that if something is wrong, I should talk to her.
The thing is, I can't, because I don't know what's wrong. Everything, nothing, I don't know! I'm sat down, curled up, on a rock. Next to Afsheen. We're curled up together, because it's cold and we're twins, and awfully close ones. I know I have my family there for me, but Afsheen just tells me to pull myself together and that people have it worse than me.
Do you know how bad that makes me feel? I sit and complain about my own problems when there are people starving.
When people of my own religion are out there being branded as terrorists just because they shared some beliefs with extremists.
When there are children being beaten and abused.
And here I am, loved by my family, accepted by the guys in my dorm (not anyone else though), well fed and always with a shelter over my head. What right have I to complain? I'm a horrible, selfish person. What is a horrible, selfish person worth? Nothing. Less than nothing.
After all, the people in my dorm are worse off than me...but I still feel so down. I can't help it, but I want to.
I'm doing bad at school. I look at the things I get from my teachers and I feel there is no hope. I never know what to do with myself, and people always say it's my choice, but I can't make that choice, I want others to make that choice for me because I have no hope of making the right one. They would do better.
The thing is, I've felt this way for a long time, which means chances of it changing are so low it doesn't bare thinking about. That's the worst thing about it, of course.
And the worst thing, the worst of the worst, is I know my own God hates me. Because I'm a monster. A bloodsucking thing not worthy of standing on the same grass He created. I am a vampire, and I have to strike down victims in the forests...I'm not worth saving, and I'm not worth the bother. That's really all I've ever known. Ugh, is there any way out of this? I don't feel there is.
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