AITA for keeping my brother-in-law's baby?

((TW: This piece deals with sexual assault, abuse and stalking))

 So I (22F) and my sister (27F) had always been really close growing up, like joined at the hip best of friends. A few years ago she meets this guy (34M) who she insists is her soulmate but he's a real piece of work. Like almost comically bad, like cartoon bad guy bad. Like first time she brings him home the dog runs up to greet him and he kicks her hard enough to lift her off the ground bad. So parents obviously don't approve of this guy, and sis comes to my room in floods of tears complaining how they never approve of anything she loves and I give her my honest opinion, that I don't like him much, she screams at me because I 'should be on her side' and leaves with him. I feel bad for not being more supportive and apologise to her because I don't want to lose my sister over this, you know? But it doesn't get any better.

Two years ago, sis and BIL get married. During wedding, groom gets completely blatted and comes on to me. I figure he's gotten me confused with sis (we look similar, I guess a drunk can get us confused) and tell sis and best man to take him home and quickly leave myself. Sis is sour with me for a while after, I'm not sure why and she don't tell me, so I'm like maybe she's just sour in general because of BIL? Every time I try to ask her about what's wrong she brushes me off. I eventually leave it.

Despite all this, sis and I still see each other often, but whenever BIL is there it's so tense and uncomfortable. It starts with him just leering a bit and saying some inappropriate things, but then he starts showing up univited without sis. Hanging around outside my flat, work and uni, sending me things, inappropriate texts etc etc etc. I don't recognise this as stalking at the time, but I do now. Block his number and complain to sis, and she tells me it's my fault for being so seductive around him??? I'm pissed off and tell her I'm just the same as normal and how is it seductive to sit around in band shirts and joggers eating burgers? She accuses me of trying to sleep with BIL at the wedding, and when I deny it she calls me a liar and tells me to stay away from her and BIL. Gladly.

He continues to stalk me and I ofc feel really uncomfy and unsafe so I stick with people as much as possible. In fact it gets worse once I'm no longer talking to sis. One evening he corners me while I'm taking the bloody bins out and that's when he manages to rape me, and that's when I get pregnant. I tell family what happened. Sis calls me a liar and tells everyone I've been seducing her husband this whole time. Parents take my side at first and tell sis to never ever bring BIL near the family again. Friends tell me to contact police whenever i see him.

I discover I'm pregnant at the beginning of the year. After a lot of careful thought and soul searching, I decide to keep the baby. Important to note that aside from assault I am a virgin. So people are asking who I've been with, who the dad is, I claim not to know, but sis gets back in touch with the family after seeing me visibly pregnant a few weeks ago and starts demanding to know who the father is. I tell her it's none of her business but she presses because she suspects it's her husband's baby. I do eventually admit to my family only that the baby is the result of the assault, but that I don't think that should define the baby's life and that it's not the baby's fault and that I want to protect it and myself etc etc etc. Parents are demanding I explain my decision to keep the baby so I'm launching into this whole explanation about how I haven't been well since the stalking started, haven't been looking after myself, but now I have this strong drive to protect myself and my unborn child, and all this other stuff about the baby's life and my life and stuff. Like I believe in a woman's right to choose, so even if it isn't the baby's fault where it comes from, if it's better for you to abort something like this go for it, but I've chosen not to because I genuinely believe that's what's better for me. Sis and BIL claim that me not aborting the baby is proof I wasn't raped but instead seduced him specifically so I could have his baby. Mum sides with him this time, going on this spiel about how if it was rape I wouldn't be so adamant about keeping the baby. Dad stays on my side. I get a lot of abusive messages about the whole situation from mum and sis, and sis' friends who have apparently been told I stole the husband (I'm pretty sure mans is stalking and hurting other women because sis is claiming we're still together because he keeps going out for ages and it's  all cheaty suspicious or something) and mum is accusing me of tearing apart the family by keeping this baby. AITA?

Reflections

 As much as Jacquimo would have liked to have said it was a quiet, peaceful evening, the fact was their bed and board above the Elfsong Tavern was typically anything but. Between the lingering vampire spawn blood housekeeping hadn't been able to get out of the furnishings (for which he claimed to be very sorry) leaving a bit of a smell in the air and a stickiness on the floor that he would rather not think about, and the sounds of the raucous drunks below either enjoying themselves or drowning their sorrows, it made for...quite the atmosphere, to put it lightly. Still, compared to what the half-orc was used to, this was heaven. He'd all but forgotten what it felt like to sleep in a proper bed, and the streets had always been plenty noisy as well.

Sat on his bed, scribbling away in an old notebook, everything else faded out to a strange ambience. This had always been Jacquimo's element. As a bard, he excelled in spinning stories and conveying tales through word, song and poem. Over his years, he'd written and performed many a yarn, ode or sonnet, and some of them were even halfway decent pieces. He'd never had such inspiration like that gifted to him by his most recent journey though. This past week alone he had written so much, the stories and legacies of his new friends, songs on hardship and survival, music he could hear the notes of carried on the wind. One particular piece had been a problem for him, however.

It was a simple poem, words spun like silk to form a painting in your head. An Ode To A Star, he called it, and he had been working on it ever since Astarion told him he could no longer remember his own face. Karlach had suggested someone draw his portrait, but Jacquimo had never been good at that. So he tried to write it. Descriptive art to show his favourite person, the love of his life, exactly how he looked to him.

Let me be your mirror

Let me show you through my eyes

The most beautiful a being

The gods ever did devise

Let me show you every detail

Every wrinkle, every scar

Utter drivel, all of it. Resisting the urge to rip the page out, crumple the paper and throw it aside, Jacquimo cast his gaze to the window, thinking. What could he possibly say to truly convey what he needed to? Words would never be a true substitute for actually being able to see himself. And the wrong words would just cause upset. Mentions of wrinkles, for one, even if they were something Jacquimo liked about his lover. Character. Experience. All part of one damned gorgeous man.

Eyes flitting between the words on the page and the dark night outside, he paused when he caught sight of his own reflection in the glass.

Let me be your mirror.

If only it was that simple. If only he could truly show Astarion exactly what he saw when he looked at him. It wasn't like he could be like the glass in that window. It wasn't like Astarion could really see through his eyes.

Wait.

Except he could, couldn't he?

Jacquimo snapped the notebook shut and looked across the room, at each of his companions. Those who shared the tadpole infection were able to connect their minds together, weren't they? He remembered seeing himself through Lae'zel's eyes on the Nautiloid. Seeing Astarion's memory of watching him walk through the confines of the pod. Giving him his memories of breaking free of his own pod in response. Seeing paths carved through the hells through the eyes of Wyll and Karlach. The tadpole connection allowed them to see through each other's eyes, see thoughts and memories, feel what each other felt.

An idea in his head, the bard placed his notebook back in his pack and got to his feet, making his way over to where Astarion had set up. He clearly heard his lover's approach, as he closed the book he was reading, looking up to meet his eyes. "Always a pleasure to see you sauntering over. Did you need something, my dear?"

"I had a thought. Or an epiphany."

There was a subtle twitch up of the vampire's lips. "Using that brain of yours, are we?"

"I know, I know, a rare novelty. Really, though, I think I might have figured something out. How I can show you your face again."

A nearly imperceptible shift in his eyes. Interest. Curiosity. Hope? "Really now? Well, I have to say, you know how to pique my interest, darling." His voice held no sarcasm, the thought of seeing his face once more undeniably enticing.

"It's rather obvious in hindsight." Jacquimo mused, more to himself, before addressing the elf properly. "I can't promise you'll like it, but it's an option if you want to use it. The tadpoles. They give us that connection, allow us to see each other's memories. You could look into my memories, or perhaps even see through my eyes now. See yourself."

He froze, processing the words. It seemed almost ludicrous, but he was right, everything he said was right. "You would let me into your head, just to see my face? You'd let me just...poke around inside your mind like that? I could find anything in there."

"I would." He didn't even hesitate. "I trust you. I would trust you with my mind any time. And I want to do something for you."

Astarion reached up, ghosting his fingers across the bard's cheek, his voice coming out soft and vulnerable. "You have already done many things for me, you know."

"Then what's one more thing?"

"And you trust me far more than you should. It isn't wise, darling."

"Who ever said I was wise?"

Astarion retracted his hand, glancing around to ensure none of the others were eavesdropping. When he spoke, it was quiet, and completely serious. No teasing, no lighthearted foppery, no sarcasm. "And you're sure about this? About letting me into your head? I...I don't want you feeling you have to do this. You are far too self sacrificing, do far too much for others, I don't want to do this unless you're entirely comfortable with this. This is your mind we're talking about, every inner personal part of you. Just...please tell me you're sure about this."

Jacquimo nodded, confident. "I'm sure. You're only looking at my memories of your face, that's all I'm showing you. I trust you not to go anywhere I don't want you going, and I think I know how to keep people out of things when I need to - I was able to block Z'rell, Minthara and even the Emperor out of certain thoughts, and they were trying to dig into things I didn't want them seeing. I think even with the connection active we can respect each other's privacy just fine, I don't think either of us have been ones to pry. I wouldn't offer this if I wasn't sure. As much as I joke that I am an idiot, I do think things through, you know. For the most part, anyway."

A smile graced those beautiful features. He so wanted to see his face again, to remember that part of himself long forgotten, and it seemed this reward was worth the risk. Jacquimo had a way with words, of making him feel like it would be okay if only he put his faith in him, and it seemed it was time to put his faith in him again. "Then yes, darling. I would like to try it. It's about time I saw how beautiful I really am, after all."

The decision made, the bard gently reached out and took the rogue's hands, eyes meeting and holding each other's gaze as they opened that connection, reaching out with the squirming, wriggling tadpoles within, a power none too pleasant, but this time for a worthwhile cause.

And then there he was, right where he could see himself.

Astarion turned his head this way and that, taking in every inch of his own face as seen through his lover's eyes. Jacquimo let him in, focusing on memories, on that face. On the line of his jaw, the bow of his lips, the curve of his brow. On delicate lashes framing piercing red eyes that could grow so round, almost doe-like under the right circumstances. The laugh lines that made themselves known during moments of joy, the way the edges of his eyes crinkled when he smiled. Soft curls framing pointed ears, almost shining when the light hits them just right. And not just the way he looked when happy, but sad as well. When he cried, or knew he'd gone too far, when fear and anxiety took hold. The way anger could peel his lips back in a snarl. Baring fangs in threat. That first meeting, that look of suspicion. Plotting looks, teasing glances, moments of internal conflict. Everything. Every part of him, of who he is, of who he was. Every fine detail. Everything he'd lost and forgotten in all those years of torment. Bringing a hazy, indistinct image into focus, making it clear once more.

Letting himself be the mirror Astarion wanted, needed, for as long as he wanted or needed.

((Jacquimo is my half orc bard urchin Tav, an uneducated disaster bisexual aligned chaotic neutral-chaotic good. Astarion and Jacquimo dialogue was painful to write, I'm so rusty with writing dialogue, hope you enjoy because I am cringing myself inside out lol))